This “THING” Has a Name

So many things in our lives seem so minimal and we just pass them up and brush them aside because that’s how life goes, and we are good at it.

We carry on with our day-to-day. We take all the little things in stride. Each and every little thing. They add up though. Regardless of how we react one event. How we feel about one and then another. Those feelings add up. They compound.

One day you just feel like there’s an elephant... not really on your chest, not really in the room but on your heart. It’s a rough feeling to have. It’s annoying really. Frustrating. How could we let the small things go so easily and not realize that they were all compounding into an elephant.

Life. That’s how. We carry on, we get up and do the things. Then all the things are standing right in front of you. Blocking your path to your day-to-day. Where did it all come from? Has it been there the whole time? Had you seen it there and just not wanting to accept that it in fact WAS there…?

I’ve seen it… the elephant. I knew there was something there. Something nagging at the back of my brain and weighing on my heart. I thought I could handle the silly “little” thing. It seemed though that this “little” thing kept bringing uninvited friends. It just got overwhelming. I got mad. I got sad. I had thoughts that seemed to come from nowhere. Thoughts I knew weren’t normal or healthy. Doubts. Fears….

I found myself asking questions I should know the answers too. I found myself questioning people and actions. I found myself holding on to so much doubt and fear it was overwhelming. I wanted to just cry/scream/curl up and sleep until it was over.

I’ve lived most of my life with depression, but this was something different. Something I didn’t know how to handle. I tried to “talk” myself out of it. Tried to reassure myself. I was struggling to do the things of been doing for years. Things that were my “normal”. 

I have been cleaning for a woman for three years. I found myself so lost that I had a hard time remembering what to do next. I was overwhelmed. I didn’t know why. I wanted to just grab my stuff and run crying. No real reason. Just couldn’t calm myself. I made it through but left so sad and confused but also relieved I made it through and was done.

37 Years old. I’ve been an adult for a couple years now…how and why did this hit me now? Anxiety. Its Anxiety. I’ve had friends and family battling this. So, I knew… I should have anyway. I thought it was just a random thing that was going to pass. It has been about a year. I started a medication this last week.

I DO NOT blame covid. Honestly our lives haven’t changed much because of covid.  

I have always sympathized with people that suffer from anxiety. Like I said, I have suffered with depression for much of my life. I want anyone reading this to know that there is ALWAYS someone you can turn to. Always a number to call, a group to join or a shoulder to cry on. If you aren’t feeling supported by the people around you, reach out.

I just googled and came across this one. There are so many out there! I know not all are created equal. If for some reason you reach a help line that is less than helpful just know there are more out there!  Its hard but you are loved and wanted in this world!

·       National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI): 1-800-950-NAMI (6264). If you are in a crisis or looking for mental health information, you can call NAMI’s helpline for free support. NAMI has programs designed specifically for those who identify as living with a mental health condition, caregivers, veterans, teens, and LGBTQ.

Though I battle with Depression and Anxiety I have been lucky enough to not have suicidal thoughts or thoughts of harming mysellf. I do have friends who have and still battle those thoughts. Its heart breaking to know they walk this battle daily. They are loved. I am here. I am in your corner!

So much love,

The Momma

Working On Me For Us

So this blog was prompeted by a book. This book; it’s called Limitless by Jim Kwik. It talks about retraining your brain and unlocking your potential.  This is something I really need to do. I’ve always been one to tell myself I can’t or won’t.  Negative self-talk has always been something I’ve done. This self-talk may not have been something I consciously decided I was going to do, but it is something that I’ve been doing for a very long time.

I am continually reminding myself to think positive, to turn those negative thoughts into positive ones… If I think a bad or negative thought, I try to change that thought by thinking of three positive ones or repeating the same good/positive thought several times over.

For example, I struggle feeling like I’m wanted or needed sometimes, like the things I do aren’t good enough, like even though I get things done and try to stay busy or productive I just didn’t get enough done, like it wasn’t what I should have done, like I could have or should have done more…

My husband works his ass off so that I can be a stay-at-home-mom. Before I met him, I worked 60-70 hour work weeks, I managed a store, I was independent and took care of my daughter, owned my not so great car, paid all my bills, bought what I wanted… So going from all of that to an instant mom of three kids the same age and staying home without my “own” income was hard. It’s still hard.

I appreciate all that he does to provide for this family! I am so thankful for everything that we have! I have a nice vehicle, he has a nice truck, we have an old truck, we just brought home an old wagon for me (not running yet), nice house, we have a full pantry and fridge, dog, cat, chickens…we have all that we need plus some!

Some days I struggle. I struggle because I miss the husband I live with. He works so much more than he is home. I get lonely and bored so I acquired several random hobbies…This blog, selling Usbourne books, baby sitting goats, cleaning Air BnBs…It feels good to be doing stuff outside the house, to contribute (I really don’t need to because we are very well provided for)…

I want to go places and do things! I want to explore the amazing area we live in. I want to have friends, go to events, take an adventure… I have my health issues and he has his but I’m tired of staying home because if I go do something its not fair to him. I don’t want to made to feel guilty or like I did something wrong for making time to do things out side the house.

In part the reason I’m working is to help put money away… maybe he would feel like he didn’t have to take on one more little job to fill in time/money…I want us to be as important as work, I want us to be a priority. I know he feels that we are and that is why he works so hard. Time can’t be bought or returned. Once it is gone its gone.

I love my husband and my children very much! I have my own struggles and worries that I am fighting with trying to flip into positives. Communication is hard. It’s hard when its lacking, it’s hard when its there. Staying positive around people that aren’t is difficult. Talking to people that are worn out and not really interested in what your saying is defeating. Trying to be the person someone needs when they can’t express what it is that they need is hard.

  I have a very hard time trying to put my wants and needs into words. Two people that can’t or don’t make for a very frustrating and lonely relationship for both.  Expectations aren’t met because they aren’t known. The longer we let the unsaid go unsaid, the worse things get, the sadder I get, the more distant and madder he gets.

I’ve started seeing a counselor, trying to get better more restful sleep by journaling before bed, tracking my sleep patterns, having the same bedtime nightly and using a guided meditation app, stretching, working out more and trying not to eat as shitty…that parts the hardest! All these things that I’m trying are not just for me, they are for us.  If I can be a happier heathier me, we can be a happier heathier US. At least I hope that it will help.

I just want to laugh and play and joke and flirt with my husband. I want to enjoy my family and my life a little more. I want to be his break from the world. I want his brain to turn off of work at least one full weekend a month. Not just one a year.

Here’s to finding the happy inside me so I can better help him find his. So we can be happy together!

Much love,

The Momma

Not Quite A Yes Day

Thoughts on a YES day…

Since the beginning of my venture as a stepparent we have joked that im the “mean mom”.  I have more rules and tend to be the one to say NO more often compared to the other parents. I will be the first to admit that I can be to strict. 

I’m really working on saying Yes more and No less. I’m trying to let things slide and not be as bothered or upset with the little stuff. I don’t really know why I am the way that I am.  Maybe it was the way I was raised…maybe its just who I am.  Either way and no matter the reason I struggle with myself.

I want to be a fun carefree mom. I want to worry less and love more. I want to have adventures and do stuff. I want to be the mom they know they can always talk to no matter the content. I want to be the mom they can come to do the fun stuff. 

Today is a start. Every day I restart. Today is Memorial Day, its Monday so no school for this holiday. With that Id like to thank all of our fallen Vets, our current solders, and our living Vets! My Grandfather was a Vietnam Vet and my father-in-law is a Vietnam vet as well! Thank you! I love you more than words!

For the last several weeks I’ve been saying affirmations to myself…out loud, in my head and writing them down.  Yesterday I made a plan with the kids.  That plan was this: We will have waffles for breakfast, watch a movie in our PJs, have lunch, go get ice-cream, (I brought them to the park to eat it and play as a surprise), set up the splash pad at home in the yard and this evening we will BBQ the fish the twins caught on the boat with their grandpa this weekend.

I’m the NO mom.  I rarely have them eat desert after dinner but I like to put special treats in their lunches. They don’t get allowance for doing chores because I feel its part of learning responsibility and self worth but I often find things that I know they will love and surprise them when they get home from school.  The kids don’t have daily screen time but we like to have one movie night a week. 

Its not just important for them, I know its important for me.  I want to know that my kids are HAPPY as well as fed, clothed, healthy and loved.

I want to just be Mom…Not “mean mom” just Mom.

 Love and Prayers,

The Momma of the Black Hearts.

Momma Tips

So I follow a mothers group on FB and I see so many questions.  How to get my child to brush their teeth, what to do about a rash, breast feeding and so many more things.   The answers throw me off sometimes and some of the questions make me wonder if they should even have children. Who am I to judge though?! 

I’m far from a perfect mom. I also have questions and worries. I want my kiddos to grow up happy and healthy. I want them to have good strong foundations to stand on and hold them into their futures.  No one has all of the answers because every child is different. 

So really what I do with my kiddos could be something that would never work with yours. That works both ways. Momming Is hard. It usually leaves me with more questions some days than I have answers. Not only are all three of my kids are very different from one another… Once I think I’m figuring out what that child needs, how they take direction or how their emotion  play into things…BAM! They switch it up.

Some days you just feel as a parent that you just can’t seem to keep up. That life is moving faster than you are.  It is OK! I’m still learning that even if I seem to struggle, they still love me. I still did all that I could do THAT day. I need to remember that even when I struggle I’m still going. Tomorrow is a new day. The next moment is a new moment.

As a blended family we are challenged with the knowledge that not everything at our house is like everything at the other parents. We cannot control what happens there. Thankfully we have pretty good communication with the other parents but it really comes down to “this is our home and that is theirs”.

So on to some of the things I have found that work in our home:

No matter the fact that our routine is exactly the same morning and night…they seem to “forget” parts religiously! Never fails!

Brushing their teeth: When my daughter was little and still learning to brush I would use her gummy vitamins as a “reward” for brushing her teeth. Now its a whole new battle with brushing but I got them a little timer, help them, remind them “top, bottoms, front, back and always your tongue”.

When they seem tired or moody:  Quiet time is helpful.  Reading, a nap, individual play time or something they can do away from their siblings.

Cleaning up after themselves: For the longest time when they were asked to get their messes cleaned up I always found there was a LOT left out. I found that reminding them that anything they got out they would have to put away.  If they were all playing together and made a huge mess I would help clean up (I mostly did this when they were little).  I had to make a rule for the toys that got left out…If you come tell mom that your room is all clean and I go check…Anything left out was a gift to mom.  Once I started getting a hand full of leogs or favorite cars they became more efficient! Toy jail is rather effective as well.  They now dump the entire bucket of legos out on a blanket to make for easier clean up.   

Part of the cleaning thing is that if they are playing one thing then move onto another; they need to clean up the first “game”.  I may seem a little extreme but we don’t have a play room. Our house is not huge. The girls share a room and our son has his own (he shares with our Great Dane).  It goes for playing outside as well as in. If you have toys out all over the yard then before you come in you  have to get them cleaned up.

The kids don’t really have a lot of chores. (I’m to OCD to let them do most things) They do help take care of the chickens when they are home, clean up dog poop, help unload the dishwasher, sweep, clean the table, dust, put away their own laundry…

Now a days kids get more screen time than they did…at our house the kids don’t have tablets, they don’t play video games and they don’t have unlimited access to tv.   We do have movie nights or let them watch an episode or two but that’s pretty much it.  They are on computers a ton at school and do more of that outside our home, so we just choose to let them be creative and use imagination.

Im sure there are other things I do that I can later add to this but for now this is all my brain will allow.

Have an amazing day!

Love,

 The Momma

I Did This To Myself

When all my issues started it was shortly after I became a stay at homme mom. I quit my job about June, got married in September and it all hit in those 3 ish months.

 A body in motion stays in motion…I found out that that is very true. I went from working 60 plus hours a week before moving from one town to the next. I then worked my forty hours plus had not only one kiddo but now three. So I was busy to say the least. Two were in school and one was still home. 

The same year we got married and the last kiddo started school. BAM! Not working, all kiddos out of the house a good chunk of the day…pain caught up to me.  For the last few years its been the same. Ive been staying active enough but still feel just worn out and at the same time lazy.

I started watching an older couples goats and chickens while they are out of town. I also clean a woman’s home once a month. Now….Ive started cleaning Air BnB’s which is a couple times a month for about 4 hours.  Then guess what I did?!  Yup another thing….I became a consultant for Usborne Books and More.  

I don’t have it out for myself! I do have goals for our family that would be nice to meet, I want to be active again and I feel like if I just commit to stuff that keeps me busy I’ll fall back onto the body in motion thing.  Does any of that make sense? I hope so.

I’m really trying. I don’t want to be that mom/wife that’s… well… Me. I want to be happy, active,  more attentive and just be a better me!

Love and Prayers,

The Momma, the cleaner, the goat sitter, the book lover and seller.

Usborne Books & More. Shop (myubam.com)

In case you wanted to check out some amazing books! XOXO

Update On My Issues

There are so many many issues…But the one I speak of now is my sleep and fibro combo.  My doctor has given me a list of things to start doing.  For starters: keeping a sleep journal, no technology (blue light) past 9PM, no chores of any kind past 9PM either, reading or writing is good,  in bed and head on pillow at 10PM, She wants me to have at least 8.5 hours of sleep, awake at 7AM, coffee first thing in the morning, a walk or some sort of activity in the morning as well, make a To Do list…Also I cant read in bed which is my normal! She said “bed is for sleep and sex and that’s it!”

              The most recent big thing is seeing a physical therapist.   We are going to be working on my pain management and strengthening my shoulders. ( I have had weakness in them since my fibro started)  He said my balance and strength look really good. Currently I do what I should be as far as heating and stretching but I’m just not consistent with it. I also don’t pace myself well. I will just keep going once I get started and work myself until I have to stop. Either physically, to take care of kids, it gets dark…

              So for the next who knows how long, I will be seeing Joe twice a week for an hour. I need to be doing a stretch routine at least twice a day, using my heating pad/hot baths daily, continue taking ibuprofen and not over doing it…I’m a slow learner when it comes to having to pace.

The days I feel pretty good and have energy are the days I over do it. I tend to push to get things done even knowing I’m already in pain and because of that, I know I will be down for at least the next day.  If I can just push through now, I can feel better about being down the next day because I got what I had started done.

He sort of mentioned that I need to learn to pace…I sort of listened. That day I may have paced a little but still made sure I got stuff done. I didn’t start another project so that’s good. I didn’t push to get that whole area of the yard done. I just cleaned up the part I had already started and called it good. Also…I knew it was going to rain today so I knew I would be “forced” to not do more yard work 😊

My list of things I want and need to do continues to get longer…But I’m going enlist some help instead of doing it all myself. Hard for me to do but… I need to get and stay feeling good so I can keep doing the things I love. I have found myself being a bit of a recluse. That is not who I am.

I am fun and talkative. I am social and adventurous.  I am lots of things that I have been missing. I’m on a mission to find the me I want to be!

Love,

The Momma

What the Funk?

It has just been one of those weeks. Its only Tuesday but the last couple days have just been gloomy. Maybe that’s my problem…Doubt it. It was sunny the couple days prior. I even got a stinkin sunburn weeding my garden. Why am I so…so…Idk I just cant find energy or motivation.

Like always, I have a list of things I want and need to get done. I’ve upped my coffee intake to two cups rather than just the one, I’ve tried to be productive with my crafting, I’m forcing myself to clean things, turn on music…

JUST CAN’T. I can’t sleep or am sleeping like crap. My sleep doctor has given me a schedule…can’t seem to follow that for the life of me the last week. Haven’t worked out, I’ve eaten like crap… I have zero will power. The Heck?!

Maybe its the fact that my summer calendar looks so busy already? Could be the random snow today? Could be a number of things I suppose. What ever it is I need to it to go away. I need to be me. I need to get my lists done. I need to enjoy the things and the stuff!

I am crabby. I am irritable. I am annoyed. I am tired. I am unmotivated.

STOP! Scratch all of that! I am happy. I am patient. I am energized. I am motivated!!! Self…Get your ass into the flow of good and happy things!

Lets all just get motivated, be happy and be who we want!

Love and hugs,

The momma of those black hearts.

FML

I just typed out a good 8 paragraphs… then my husband popped in and asked me for help with something. I helped, checked the chickens and then made a sandwich. Forgot about my blog momentarily then realized the screen was just white…no draft, no edit screen just white. The website wasn’t even loaded. Why?! What?!

The blog I had started went something like this…

Be nice. It’s not hard or over complicated. It doesn’t require a degree or a certain level of knowledge/education. For shit sakes kids do it, babies do it! we aren’t born jerks we acquire that over the years of bull that taint our perception of life.

Thinking negative thoughts? Push that thought out and think of at least three positive ones. See a good deed that could be done? Do it. Give a compliment. These things aren’t hard we have just trained our brains. We have trained them to look past things, see negativity, think “someone else will do that” and criticism over compliment.

I am not perfect. (Don’t tell my husband or children…they Know otherwise 😉)I get frustrated, annoyed, negative and pissy sometimes. I have been in a funk all weekend. I’m tired, I’m bored, I feel sad and lazy… But (isn’t there always a but?) I am trying. I filled bird feeders, cleaned up the house, took care of my chickens, bathed the dog, brushed the cat, played with my Cricut Maker… I have been really trying to find the happy.

It can be a struggle to do. To find the positive in the negative. Example: I felt good about giving my stinky dog a bath. Then…I dried him off, let him out of the bathroom, cleaned up all the hair (so so much hair) and then exited the bathroom…

For the LOVE! He had shook as dogs do. He split open the cut he had on his ear that I’d forgotten all about. Blood. Everywhere. Large drips all over the carpet, slung and sprayed all over the walls and he had decided to roll on the carpet…he was covered in blood, my house was covered in blood and folks this is no small dog. I have a Great Dane. A 150lb man sized dog.

So I bandaged his ear, crawled around and cleaned the floors and the walls. I was struggling! I wanted to cry. But I made it, I lived and I somehow didn’t scream, yell, battle, beat or even cry. Dog was alive, I wasn’t in a heap crying on the floor and the sun was still shining.

The main idea going into this blog was happy. Find it, share it and encourage it. Hold the door for someone, smile with your eyes (we can’t see actual smiles with masks), compliment someone, pay for a strangers coffee, give a family member an extra hug…

The things that can completely change a persons day aren’t always large acts but the small. In times when life sucks be the thing that turns the shitty day dial down a notch. If you have an extra ounce of encouragement give it. Some days we are the ones that need that. Look for it!

Make eye contact, see the silver lining, be happy that someone else has found something to smile about. Breath in fresh air. Spring is coming! Give yourself that extra 60 seconds to turn your face to the sun. soak it in and smile because you can.

Be nice. We don’t have to run around being rays of sunshine and bubbling over with rainbow happiness. We make the choice to bring people down. Just as we can make the choice to lift people up. Smiles and silence can do wonders!

Not happy? Pissed at the world? That’s ok. We are human and allowed to feel all the feelings. Don’t want to feel that way? That’s your choice. Don’t know how to shake the funk? Me neither somedays. I don’t have to spread my crappy day. I choose to smile with my eyes. I choose to call out “Bless You” to someone a few isles away that sneezed. I choose to let someone ‘cut’ me in line. I choose to let someone into my lane. I choose to think happy.

I don’t have all the answers or even most of them. I am learning everyday how to choose me. How to utilize ‘mind over matter’. Learning how to take time for me. How to be happy with things when I’m mad at others. My children don’t deserve a mother who got upset with something and now is upset with the world.

Our world is all sorts of topsy turvy right now. I am so tired of all that is in the news. So I’m choosing to turn it off. Not because I want to be uninformed but because I have chose Happy. I have chose to look out my windows and see the garden I plan to plant, the birds making their way to the feeders I filled. I am choosing happy for me and for my family.

This blog turned into a muddle of a few things but I hope it can bring someone back from a dark spot. I know I feel a little better having wrote it.

As always…

Thank you,

The Momma of those black hearts

My Stress, Cold Sores and How I Rid Them

So as a lot of people with cold sores have noticed, stress will trigger cold sores. Not only stress but too much sun on your lips, chapped lips… I’m sure there are a great many reasons they pop up. Those are just the main ones for me.

I’ve had cold sores as long as I can remember. I can recall having them as far back as elementary school. I have been plagued by the embarrassment far longer than anyone cares to. I have used all kinds of lip ointments, chap sticks, gels… Guess where that has gotten me?! I now get cold sores in my nose… what on earth?!

Nothing is worse than that telltale initial tingle. You know the one… That three days before you have some event one. The one that starts to taunt you just before picture day. The little thing laughing at you before your big date, prom, license picture, meeting his/her parents…

That little feeling can cause a real rise in the ol’ anxiety! I have found myself hiding away when I should have been somewhere enjoying myself. I could have been making the next big step in my life… nope. canceled plans, broke dates, miserable because of a little blemish that I found horrific!

When you’re in school, no matter the grade kids are mean. They don’t understand, they don’t care, and they most certainly don’t wanna kiss you. Who would? I didn’t like looking in the mirror when I had a cold sore. Heck I was shy and self conscious without the cold sore.

Thanks life! Throw me a freaking bone once in awhile! I hated feeling like I was gross. Feeling like people were staring at me. Feeling like I’m cursed. Why and how is it that we are so hard on ourselves? That something so stupid as a cold sore can knock us down into such a stupid hole?

Little more back story… I’ve suffered with depression my entire life. Recently my depression has made a new friend named anxiety. (I don’t think they should hang out together…) And yet another friend…Fibromyalgia. (again…not impressed with this) Oh and their pal Idiopathic hypersomnia…(friend quota full!)

All those above things contribute to my stress. All of those things add up and make me more prone to those nasty cold sores because of said stress and pals. Forward to current…I have started taking Acyclovir for my cold sores. Handy to have for sure. Before I was able to get a prescription for them I started something different.

I made a conscience effort to literally will them away. As crazy and impossible as that sounds, I did. The moment I started feeling that tingle I did a few things.

1. I made a mental note of it.

2. I took a few breaths and tried to relax.

3. When I was conscious of my breathing and feeling more relaxed I would think about how I needed to be calm, how I needed to be in the now and try to push away my stress.

These first few moments I would pep talk myself into taking back my stress or pushing it away rather. I’d remind myself that whatever it is that is causing my stress isn’t worth the ten days of a cold sore. Deep Breath! In the end whatever it is WILL work it self out.

I would repeat this several times throughout the day. Some how it worked. The majority of the time it wouldn’t pop up. It helped keep them at bay or drastically reduce the size and duration they lasted.

I’m not saying the stuff out there doesn’t work. What I am saying is that mind over matter can be huge. I have been trying this with a lot of things in my life. This last week has been super stressful. I stressed myself into THREE, yes three cold sores at once!

OOOOH and I almost forgot that I not only get the tingle I get canker sores on my tongue before a cold sore as well! That’s new the last several years… Either way, I knew I had one coming (or three). So I’ve been breathing and willing them away. Thankfully it has worked for the most part. I had minimal blistering and now minimal scabbing because of. YAAAY I call that a win!

If stress is a huge cause of yours it’s hard to just push that away. Everyone deals with pain/stress differently. I know there are many factors that cause stress and I can’t fix those. Just know I have come through and from a lot of stress and crap that I’m learning to overcome.

Ta Ta for now!

Love and Prayers,

The Momma of those black hearts.

Everyone Dreams a Little Different.

I’ve really been wanting to make a dream board. I have a board on Pinterest but it isn’t the same as seeing those things each day in your face.  However, I’m faced with a little bit of an obstacle. My husband. Not really in a bad way but he just doesn’t have the same thoughts and feelings as I do when it comes to setting goals.

I’m a write it down type of person. He’s a “its in my head so it’s the same thing” type of person. I like to be able to look at it, see my progress or lack of and find a solution. He says he’s a realist and I say he’s negative….tomato/tamato! 

We have talked about what most people probably talk about…a little piece of land to build our dream home on.  Welp… this last year has put a real damper on him seeing the possibility of that still happening someday.  Hundreds of people have moved to our area and forced the prices skyward. Him being said “realist” has got a bur up his bum and cant see how that dream could still be in our future.

My thoughts on this are that if we think we can’t then no…we can’t. Oh but if we believe we can then we CAN! Maybe our goals have been pushed from a three year to a five year. Maybe we down size our 3 acre dream to 1.  That makes our goal more reasonable for the time being.  So for now I’ll keep my chin up and my goals alive.

Some of the things I have on my currently non-existent dream board are a bathtub I can fully submerge in, a garden, a small library…all of which can be compact. I’ve always wanted a library! A small reading nook or window seat to sit and read ❤ *Swoon* It’s the little things really.  Like an actual laundry room with a folding area…stainless steel appliances…or even better matte black! I for whatever reason really don’t care for white appliances…just a thing.

There are a lot of things that I have on my list. Traveling is on there for sure. Some of the things I have on there are just fluff stuff really. I don’t need them but I want them. There is absolutely nothing wrong with having things on your list that are just icing. Its good to want the little things. Its you telling yourself you are worth those things. YOU deserve them. They can be yours. Hell they are yours, you just have to get to them.

Everyone dreams differently. Cars, homes, land, animals, toys of all sorts….whatever your dream, keep dreaming it. See it in your future. Feel it, know it, love it and embrace it. Speed bumps don’t have to be brick walls! Sometimes life throws a curve into our trail…neato! Now we have a little bit of new scenery. Roll with it. Go with it. Enjoy it and know that the end result will be the same. It will end with you meeting that goal, reaching that star and getting to that dream.

Our story didn’t start out all splendid and lovely. We had the same goals…but the steps to get there have periodically changed. Those changes have resulted in a large move, not knowing if the move was going to set us back financially (we didn’t want to be back in the hole), a whole new business plan (scary), paying off a good chunk of our debts, buying my current car with cash…not all of those things were on the top of our happy list.  Lots of other things have taken us on a curvy ride.

Here we are, still living and dreaming and working as a team to get there. Our dream may take longer than others. Others may get what we have been wishing for before we do. Those others may have rushed their dream and in the mean time cut corners to get there. That may bite them in the proverbial ass later on. On the other hand the obstacles that have set us back may be the things that are actually setting us up to win. 

Struggles suck. They set you back. They piss you off and dwindle that gleam of hope.  Screw those obstacles! Fight for what you know you want and deserve! Ignore others negativity. Kill it with kindness and perseverance! Do you and make that dream a reality.

I cant sit here typing this pretending I’ve met every obstacle with grace… I have cried, fought and screamed.  I wish I wasn’t this human. I have been angry, sad, mad, overwhelmed and down right negative. Though I have acted that way and wanted so very much to give up on so many things that seem trivial now…I have come through on top. I am here. I am happy. I am on my way to my dreams. I am doing this hand in hand with the man I have chose to spend my life with. The man I have chose as a partner. Together we can do anything!

We haven’t been hand in hand on all of this. we stood distant from one another and fought on different sides for the same things. we have come a long way. A very bumpy, pitted, frustrating way. It has been quite the journey. Here we are. We have some how shouted ourselves into understanding better, listening better and in the end fighting better.

We still argue but we do it knowing we need to hear not just listen. That we both likely want the same result. We are in fact two different people and there is an age gap. We slow down and explain. We slow down and see it how they do. Not always but usually. If we can’t then we still try to have some understanding.

At the end of the day we are partners with the same dreams and goals. This is OUR life. We have chose to dream and reach together.

As always, thank you for reading my little tidbit. Love, Prayers and happy thoughts.

Love,

The Momma of those Black Hearts

Ooooh Snap!

What to do, what to do?

I need some declutter-izing-a-zation!

We moved to Bozeman a couple years ago and love it! Even though we have lived in our home for a couple years and love it…we still want to find a better flow. While packing our home in Billings, I go rid of a ton of stuff! I downsized my closet, my craft supplies, the kids stuff, my husband cleaned out a bunch of unneeded garage stuff…

Still this family of five has so much stuff! Not only did we still move with far to much we also have managed to accumulate a ton more! HAAAALP! I like to thrift shop. Ok!!! I love to thrift shop! (Don’t judge) I feel like my usual thrift shopping trip is usually just clothes for the kids and a random thing to help me organize the house better. All of this junk came from somewhere though. I am not going to take all the blame either!

Recently (this last weekend) my husband surprised me with some really amazing new furniture pieces to help us declutter the dining area (it also triples as the office and my craft area). That gave me a place to better store and organize my craft supplies, sewing machine and Cricut!

We sold the desk and got rid of the small bar. Stuff is leaving the house! Yay! I also sold the desk and chair for over twice what the husband said to list it for! Winning! Those things gone still left me with heaps of things to home though…

It caused me anxiety! Not going to sugar coat it. I almost cried. We pulled everything from in, on and around the desk to the dining table. I had two carts of craft stuff as well as my machines to fit into the furniture. Then the bar…Oh and I had to now get our file cabinet into the entry closet that was already full! Holy balls of stress!

Guess what! It’s all coming together. My moment of anxiety has (mostly) passed and the house is falling back into normalcy. Only a more organized normal. A more breathable normal. A mommy friendly normal. Aaaaaand ALL of my craft/sewing stuff fit in two of the pieces and I now have an empty craft cart (I’m going to have to fill it at some point ).

The hubby sorted and got rid of a ton of clothes and shoes. I have to try on all of my pants and figure out what all of his stuff we can sell! So…yay… We are making progress but mother of pearl its been a several day poop show and emotional rollercoaster! Should it be this hard to just get rid of shit? Maybe. Or not. I guess that all depends on who you are.

Just before all of that… I cleaned my pantry. There are still things I need to streamline in there! I just took Christmas down as well and had those totes sitting in the dining room for a couple days. Did I mention I’m not currently on my meds?!

I was given the go ahead to get more baskets/boxes to organize the craft cabinet.  I have stuff sitting here and there that I still need to find a home for. I’m really trying not to burn the house to the ground, say “woopsies” walk away and start all over!

I honestly have a passion for cleaning and organizing but a lot came at me all at once! At no fault of anyone I got over-freaking-whelmed! I have to keep calming myself and remember that this house will have such a better feel when its all done and put back together.

Oh! The trees are still up, not decorated anymore but lights on and standing. Husband likes them up till end of January. I compromised and took all the décor down including undecorating the trees. He gets the pretty lights still and I can start putting the house back together.

So…I have several things I use to organize. Most of them are boxes or baskets. I’ve acquired most of them through the market place or the thrift store. Dollar stores are great places to get stuff as well! Target has had a few things for cheap in bullseyes playground! I like to get stuff when I find it for cheap! Even if I don’t know exactly what I’ll use it for at that moment. There is always something that I can clean up a bit or organize.

Man does it feel good to declutter a spot in the ol home! If it only starts with one drawer, that catch-all spot on the counter, your closet…one space can make such a difference! I really need to start taking before and after pics for you guys! If there is an area in your home that you struggle with let me know! I’m sure I have fought with it too. I’d love to help you work through it!

Take that small step and throw something out, give it away, sell it… I’m trying my hardest to sell what I can and put that money into savings. No matter how small the amount. It adds up. Not just money but happiness, calm and the peace you find when your surrounding are calm and peaceful! When you can find what you’re looking for or the thing you want to put away goes where it should. Peace. Calm. Happiness. Yes Please!

Pray, breath and free yourself! Have a great week all!

Sometimes I Just Don’t Feel Like Cooking.

What’s in your pantry?

Some days you just want to pull something out of the freezer, throw it in the oven and call for dinner…somedays you want to make a fully from scratch meal. Somedays you want to let them starve.

Are there any meals that are your go to for easy mommys way out meals? For us Tuesdays are for Taco Tuesdays. I didn’t feel like making tacos. So I made frozen pizzas. Oh but I really jazzed them up! I added Italian seasoning! Boom gourmet! 

I like to make my kids eat leftovers for lunches (at home), I like to make home made meals most of the time. I cringe when my kids ask for mac n cheese or ramen. On the occasion that I do make it for them, I like to jazz mac n cheese up with tuna and peas and make it a “casserole”. I like to mix it up and add taco meat to a cheese quesadilla… stuff like that to use up leftovers and add a little excitement to the ol palate!

Some of my easy lazy meals include Sh*t on a Shingle which is meat gravy over mashed potatoes (I hear it originated over toast or bread)(to make it that much easier I use boxed potatoes), Dirty Rice which is hamburger in rice (I use packaged beef rice), Chicken Alfredo (I use sauce from a jar and canned chicken) and there is always the good and loyal crock pot or instapot!

I’m lucky enough to have kids that eat pretty much anything and tell me how good a cook I am.  Some of their favorites are: Quiche, homemade chili and corn bread, Split pea soup (used Christmas ham), Creamy Chicken and rice… Every time I make something new my husband say “we could have this at least once a week” There aren’t that many days or meals in the week!

Little things I like to do to make shit fancy or more flavorful: put tuna on a croissant, use broth instead of water (that will perk up your split pea soup), use garlic olive oil rather than regular, I add chia seeds/flax seed meal/cacao powder to my oatmeal and pancakes (sneaking in that extra).

Add BACON! Bacon makes so many things better (duh), I made grilled cheese with pepper jack, colby jack and bacon!  Here’s the deal…I avoid certain things because I hate makin bacon… COSTCO! Precooked bacon crumbles! YAY save my “bacon” HA.

I’ve been adding bacon to my scrambled egg sandwiches, tuna melts, wraps, grilled cheese, more to my quiche and more to my breakfasts! I heart bacon and so does the rest of my family. So… more bacon it is!

There are several little hacks that I use and more that I add here and there. I love to create new meals, try new things and feed my family the yummy stuff! As I learn more I’ll add more. As I find what works I’ll share it. As I work to over come some lazy days I’ll let you know what corners I have found that I can successfully cut!

 Lazy but true,

The Momma

Can Santa Share The Credit Please?!

Santa… the man of the hour! What does he actually bring my kids? What do I get my kids? Does he have special wrapping paper? Does he have the same paper as “us”?

I’m going to go ahead and brag for a sec… I had my shopping done by December 2nd! Now that is not always if rarely the case. I just happened to have an idea of what I wanted to get the kids and my husband. I also was an opportunist! I saw it, I knew they’d like it, I bought it (within reason).

So the question stands… what do I wrap and sign from Santa? My sister and I actually had this talk today. Times are tough for so many of us. We want to give our families the world but the world is not cheap. Hell nothing is cheap anymore! Do we buy several small things so they feel like they received a lot? Do we just splurge on the one big thing they really really want?

I’ll tell you what I did. I got my kids usable stuff. Nothing electronic, nothing overly fancy, stuff to keep them mentally active and reading or creative! Though the hubby splurged and got them all a new skate board, I can’t wait to learn to ride the long board he got me a while back! It will be something we can all use and have fun with in the season and years to come!

I got them each a super comfy cushion (from Walmart) for their reading areas that I had made them a few months back, each got a new set of sheets with pillowcase and art stuff… the art supplies I got them are “mess free”… a clip board I’m going to personalize, stickers, little notebooks (thank you dollar tree!), an art set that has colored pencils and a pouch as well as a roll of paper (thank you Ross).

Santa is getting them all to share: a large Lego set and some play dough (thank you Costco). I have a canvas Santa bag I got a couple years ago that I put Santa’s gifts in. The kids ask every year if I’ll leave the bag out so he can fill it! He has every year since the first year I had it. (What a guy! Santa always sees to come through!)

The conversation my sister and I had was about how do you decide what is from who. Personally I feel like Santa and the elves should keep it simple and old school. Toys that are hands on, games to play and nothing electronic or really expensive. I also feel that he shouldn’t be getting them everything. Though his bag is magic it has a limit, as do those little elves making so many things for so many children.

I’ve been thinking about this over the last few years. Moms and Dads really do deserve some credit during the holidays! They do so much all the time for their children. We aren’t all rich. Our children need to know that. They also need to know that those amazing things they’ve been asking for we worked hard to get them. Blood, sweat, tears…

Why should Santa get all the credit for all our work? Let him be magical, eat the cookies, drink the milk and leave those gifts. Let their eyes be filled with the wonder that he came and left gifts for them. Let their hearts be filled with joy and wonder! Let them know that Mom and Dad see their wishes too. ♥️

Wrapping… I don’t always have a super special Santa wrapping paper but I usually wrap Santa’s gifts different from the others. I may use the same ol wrapping paper that I have. I just use something on “my” gifts and something for Santa’s. It changes. It usually changes because I forget something…such is life. When all else fail… lie to your children (in a good way) “oh my goodness kids Santa has the same paper we did last year!” I mean only if they happen to notice 

So for us, we keep Santa and his magic alive. Even though we have split custody of our kids (week on/week off) we still make Christmas magical. We always let Santa know if our Christmas will have a delay or has been bumped up a day or so. Santa always makes sure our kids have their special gifts even if he has to come a day or two early.

This year Santa comes on time. Our kiddos come home Christmas morning. So we aren’t doing the normal Christmas Eve tradition that I’m so fond of and used to. None the less Santa will still come Eve night and eat the cookies (always leaving some crumbs because he’s in an hurry) and leave their gifts in the canvas bag.

I’d love to hear some feedback. As always..be nice as I’m new at this blogging thing and no one likes mean people!

Love and Prayers,

The Momma

This Message Brought Me to Tears.

You are shown paths in life that don’t always seem clear. You stand there looking upon this path not knowing what to do or how to get started. This path is full of overgrowth, vines, thorns, many things that you feel you aren’t equipped to deal with.

Your options are forward or backwards…Well actually just forward. Back isn’t an option, well not realistically. We can take steps back in the wrong direction. We can put off the inevitable. At some point the above mentioned path will be laid before us once again.

So tools or no we must take this path, we must move through this rough rugged seemingly impossible path. Once on this path we will have to navigate. How? What tools do we have? Why? Where is it actually leading us?

For the most part we don’t know any the answers to any of these questions. Some of them may take longer to answer than others. At some point these answers will find us or we will find them. I believe that all of us have the answers and the tools. God has equipped us with all of them. We need to put in the work, we need to ask the questions, we need to look not only to ourselves but to Him.

For so many of us looking into the future and the paths laid before we start to panic. We get frustrated, discouraged, filled with doubt and anxiety. We start to avoid all those hard questions. We only look as far as within us and fail to look beyond ourselves.

If we stop and take even just a moment to be with God and put those hard to figure questions into His open and loving hands, we could see. See that that path isn’t really as overgrown as we thought. If it is we may find that that path is easier walked NEXT to someone. Let that someone be God. Let that someone carry you in those hard moments.

For some of us we are so fortunate to have people in our lives that can also help us on our way. People that are willing to give us the hope, the love, and sometimes the wisdom to press on. If these amazing people aren’t part of your life I want you to know that I’m team YOU!

GOOOO YOU! If that didn’t give you aaallll the encouragement you could ever need (I tried). Take your moment. take several, take them everyday! Find a moment even if its brief. Find your voice for God (or just your own).

Not everyone may see the same God I do, may not have one at all. I challenge you to just take a moment to be inside yourself. Let your mind and your heart find the same rhythm. Ask the universe to show you your way. Believe with all that you are that you have what you need. Know in your heart that no path can stop you. Nothing can really stand in your way.

Do the things, be the person, go the distance and fight the fight. You are strong enough, brave enough, smart enough…You are loved. You are doing those things. You are here.

I have always felt the things I’ve done weren’t enough. That they didn’t matter, that I should have done more that I could have done more… I’m in my thirties and got a message a few weeks ago that brought me to tears. the image I attached to this is that message. I didn’t know that from 1000 miles away I had family that saw. Saw what I was doing. Saw me in a way I have always struggled to see in myself.

Thank you to my Aunt for telling me that I am seen. In life we do so much of what we feel is right in that moment. Sometimes those decisions don’t turn out to be “right”. Try try again… Life happens and it will keep happening weather we trudge through it or not, so grab the right hands, ask the hard questions, do not fear the answers.

Much love and all the hugs,

The Momma

Eeeew That’s What Was In My Humidifier?

You will not believe what was in my humidifierSo if you’ve read any of my other posts you may have picked up that I can be a little OCD…I clean under the burners (we currently have an old-fashioned electric stove) at least once a day, I lift the entire surface and clean under it and the sides once a week…Anyway, I take my humidifiers apart and clean them frequently as well. That is the story I shall share today!

We live in Montana and it can get pretty dry. We normally use the humidifiers most of the year. To be honest I haven’t even started them since this summer. Oops! I believe I really need to get them going now though. That is why I’m writing this.

Why do we use humidifiers? To put some needed moisture back into the air. I don’t know about you but I don’t want to feel like a sundried anything. My husband gets a pretty bad dry cough, the kids get little cracked lips even if I have them drink tons of water (I make sure kiddos and I drink lots of water) and we all get that dreaded dry itchy skin!

Where we live we are lucky enough to be on a well. Living in the mountains on a well really makes me feel spoiled. haha Now if only I had acreage and a fuzzy cow… Anyway, being on a well it means we have hard water. It tends to build up on things. Periodically I’ll have to take steel wool to the metal pet dishes and the kitchen sink. (We had a leak, all fixed with a fancy new faucet! Thank you husband!)

You ever opened up your humidifier and taken a peek at what’s inside there? Welp…If you never have you’ll be in for a real surprise! You likely won’t find anything you like in there. You may even get a bit upset or grossed out. Fear not! Together we can resolve your ghastly issue!

Get yo self ready to kill the beast within your machine! So let’s pause here…go take your humidifier to the tub or where ever you’d like to take it apart. It may be a little bit of a messy processes, especially if there is still some water in it. (I made the mistake of grabbing the wrong one to put up in the closet once… there was a water mess…)

Once you take that thing apart stop and think about what is in there. You and your family have been letting that thing “breath” into your home and lungs! Yikes!  The first time I took ours apart I was honestly in a bit of shock. Like how on earth was it still working and why hadn’t I taken it apart sooner?! Why had no one ever told me to do so?

I currently have my humidifier in my kitchen sink with vinegar inside the base soaking. I turned it on low to heat and help break up all that gunk. What is that ‘gunk’ you ask? Why its a bunch of mineral deposits! Nothing crazy amazing, nothing toxic, nothing living or actually scary. Gross none the less!

What you’ll want to do is: Once you’ve taken it apart and opened er up you’ll need to carefully remove the major build up. Now that the bigger stuff is all chipped off and disposed of you can actually clean it up. It really is easy peasy! Just add the vinegar into the base (Do not soak the entire machine!…this should be obvious but its an electric item and you’ll ruin it)

I’m going to let mine heat and soak about 15 minutes and see where we get. (that 15mins turned into 30 because I forgot about it while I was typing) So with that 30mins of heated soaking…everything pretty much rinsed right off or wiped off easily  If you need to leave it longer well, by George go right ahead and do it! The amount of time that it takes your machine to get clean really varies on how hard you water is, the amount you use it and how often you actually clean the thing.

Not only will you feel better knowing that the humidifier is clean you’ll be able to see the larger amount of “humidity” coming from your humidifier because the burner is actually free of the ‘gunk’ and working at full speed!

So if you’ve read any of my other posts you may have picked up that I can be a little OCD…I clean under the burners (we currently have an old-fashioned electric stove) at least once a day, I lift the entire surface and clean under it and the sides once a week…Anyway, I take my humidifiers apart and clean them frequently as well. That is the story I shall share today!

We live in Montana and it can get pretty dry. We normally use the humidifiers most of the year. To be honest I haven’t even started them since this summer. Oops! I believe I really need to get them going now though. That is why I’m writing this.

Why do we use humidifiers? To put some needed moisture back into the air. I don’t know about you but I don’t want to feel like a sundried anything. My husband gets a pretty bad dry cough, the kids get little cracked lips even if I have them drink tons of water (I make sure kiddos and I drink lots of water) and we all get that dreaded dry itchy skin!

Where we live we are lucky enough to be on a well. Living in the mountains on a well really makes me feel spoiled. haha Now if only I had acreage and a fuzzy cow… Anyway, being on a well it means we have hard water. It tends to build up on things. Periodically I’ll have to take steel wool to the metal pet dishes and the kitchen sink. (We had a leak, all fixed with a fancy new faucet! Thank you husband!)

You ever opened up your humidifier and taken a peek at what’s inside there? Welp…If you never have you’ll be in for a real surprise! You likely won’t find anything you like in there. You may even get a bit upset or grossed out. Fear not! Together we can resolve your ghastly issue!

Get yo self ready to kill the beast within your machine! So let’s pause here…go take your humidifier to the tub or where ever you’d like to take it apart. It may be a little bit of a messy processes, especially if there is still some water in it. (I made the mistake of grabbing the wrong one to put up in the closet once… there was a water mess…)

Once you take that thing apart stop and think about what is in there. You and your family have been letting that thing “breath” into your home and lungs! Yikes!  The first time I took ours apart I was honestly in a bit of shock. Like how on earth was it still working and why hadn’t I taken it apart sooner?! Why had no one ever told me to do so?

I currently have my humidifier in my kitchen sink with vinegar inside the base soaking. I turned it on low to heat and help break up all that gunk. What is that ‘gunk’ you ask? Why its a bunch of mineral deposits! Nothing crazy amazing, nothing toxic, nothing living or actually scary. Gross none the less!

What you’ll want to do is: Once you’ve taken it apart and opened er up you’ll need to carefully remove the major build up. Now that the bigger stuff is all chipped off and disposed of you can actually clean it up. It really is easy peasy! Just add the vinegar into the base (Do not soak the entire machine!…this should be obvious but its an electric item and you’ll ruin it)

I’m going to let mine heat and soak about 15 minutes and see where we get. (that 15mins turned into 30 because I forgot about it while I was typing) So with that 30mins of heated soaking…everything pretty much rinsed right off or wiped off easily  If you need to leave it longer well, by George go right ahead and do it! The amount of time that it takes your machine to get clean really varies on how hard you water is, the amount you use it and how often you actually clean the thing.

Not only will you feel better knowing that the humidifier is clean you’ll be able to see the larger amount of “humidity” coming from your humidifier because the burner is actually free of the ‘gunk’ and working at full speed!

Thanks For hanging out,

The Momma

Why My Kids Clean

I’ve been asked how I get my kids to listen or to clean up after themselves…I don’t think that I have a magic fix for you. I will tell you what I do and how it seems to be working.

So a little back story, I met my husband four years ago and our children were pretty small. My daughter was 4 and his twins were 5. before you say “awww how cute”…our children have been through a little bit. I wasn’t even with my daughters dad when I found out that I was pregnant. We made it work as friends and still do. My husband had been with his wife and they divorced when they were about 3+.

I had moved with my daughter from her home town (my company offered me my own store to manage) to Bozeman. We moved her dad with us, we were going to try a relationship for her, then from there (after a couple short months her father and I realized we were not compatible in a relationship) and after only year we moved to Billings. I had met my husband in Bozeman(he lived in Billings) and we had began dating.

My now husband and I’s relationship started out very rocky! When I moved to Billings I moved my sister and her daughter with me. So needless to say my daughter had been through a lot in her short years. My Husband is a lot more private than I am but I’ll just say that his kids had been through a lot as well.

We dealt with a lot of behavioral issues. On my end I had raised my daughter to clean up after herself, we periodically went through her toys and she helped me pick out things to give away, she was a great eater and so on… My husband and his ex had done much of the same with the twins. We had both started with a good foundation as far as expectations of the kids.

Life was going to get crazy again… once we decided to move in together we now had to meld our separate households. Among them they would fight it out and my now husband and I would do the same. We had a kid that was rude and bossy and peed the bed, one that would poop their pants and wanted to live in “soft pants”, and the other was/is hyperactive and woke with night terrors. What in the world did we get into?! Life was crazy!

In the midst of trying to work on all of this we decided to do it forever when he proposed, we were reintroduced to church (one that I love), my parked car being totaled by a drunk driver right in front of our house, a suicide in my husbands family and so many things came at us from every angle. Oh and a few months before the wedding I became a stay at home mom.

Guess what happened everyday though?! The kids cleaned up after themselves. I helped them because they were little but they did the majority. They were always told…”if you get it out you have to put it away” so ok….if I dump out every Lego I have I’m going to be the one to pick every single one of them up.

Now…Same thing, I would help to a point. I would show them little tricks like laying down the bucket and scoping most of them in before having to pick the individual toys up, use two hands to scoop, if you help them they’ll help you and if I am doing good but its just to much mom will help me!

I will say this though…ROUTINE we have a routine and we have to stick to it. In a lot of homes time frames and routine are a little harder. But…even if yours is small its a start. Morning and night routines are the same every single day. If we sleep in on weekends or are up early for something…same routine. Here it is:

Morning:

-We wake up (its a struggle, I know)

-Get dressed (this too is a struggle some days)

-Wash hands/Eat breakfast

-Take your dishes to the sink and rinse

-Brush teeth(with Toothbrush)/hair(with hair brush)

-Gather our things (if its a school day), shoes, backpack, our lunch…

-Shoes on and out to the car (with all above listed and needed things)

*Toys DO NOT come with unless you’ve asked and they have been approved by parental figure.* Man I can be a real jerk sometimes! 

Night:

-Wash hands/Eat dinner

-Take your own dishes to the sink and rinse

-Play

-Showers are either before or after dinner. They get PJs and clean undies ready

(I usually split them up and my son will shower before and I will have the girls shower together after dinner so I can wash/condition their hair at the same time.)

-7pm clean up messes in bedrooms

-Start “bedtime routine”

-Pajamas on (Dirty clothes into your hampers) If it wasn’t shower night

-Pick out clothes for the next day (that includes socks and underwear-unless you showered tonight)

-Brush teeth (with your own toothbrush)

-Reading for 20 mins and any other school related extras (math facts cards etc.)

-Potty and into bed.

BOOM! 

So no matter what our day is like our days start and end the same. It seems like suck a silly little thing to follow but honestly the kids are in such better moods when they follow even this simple routine.

Back to how I get them to clean up after themselves…I give them an option. Clean it up or its moms to keep oooor its garbage. I have had a lot of Legos and several Shopkins or whatever they ares…. There is a toy jail. a couple days of good cleans and they can spring um!

Also I don’t pay them. My kids don’t get allowance. They do get an allowance at the other parents. I do however see things while I’m at a store and think of my children. I often come home with little things to make their rooms more cozy, their stuff more organized and their little hearts happy!

OH! a little side note…as parents sharing custody we try to keep routines similar as much as we can to make it easier on the kids!

Parents Need Parents too.

This is going to be an emotional one for me…

I have kids of my own and still need my mom. Parents should be there for you. Not just in your youth but into adulthood. There are so many days I just need to talk to my mom, I just want to joke and laugh with my dad…

My story is long and full of misguidance, heartache, and questions left unanswered. I love my parents! My father passed away about 7 years ago now and my mom is still alive.

I am the oldest of six kids. This story could be a book but for the sake of it just being a blog I’ll keep it a bit shorter. We have lived in California, Oregon, Washington, and now Montana. We moved to Montana when I was around 10 (fifth grade), it was my mom and us two older girls, our German Shepard, Iguana and my cat Boots all in a 1970 Impala.

My dad and two brothers stayed in Washington for a year. Talk about confusing and sad for my sister (who was only five) and I. We found out shortly after we moved that my mom was pregnant. That too is a whole other blog. The whole situation was stressful and being kids we really didn’t understand fully or know how to process the emotions we were feeling and going through. With half our family in another state and a new sibling on the way we were lost.

When my dad and brothers finally made it to us in Montana we were so stinking excited! My dad took that baby and made her his. He became the father she didn’t have. He loved her like he loved the rest of us. He WAS her dad because of that love and care. She IS our sister.

My parents didn’t really get along that well. There was always arguing, drinking, leaving, staying… There was a lot to process as a child. Or like me block out, suppress and ignore for the sake of not only my mental health but for the protection of my siblings. I didn’t know at the time that that is how I was coping. I just thought I was doing what I should. I actually have several memories that people will bring up to me and I have zero recollection if them.

We all lived together in a small two bedroom one bath house in an alley. We were your common everyday white trash low income family. We knew it. As children there wasn’t anything we could do even if we knew how…We went to school dirty in poor fitting clothes. We shopped at the thrift store because we had to not because it was cool (I love me some thrift shopping now though).

When we lived in different houses us girls (mom, myself and 2 (later to be 3) sisters) lived with mom and my brothers lived with dad. Oddly we literally lived on the same block just around the corner. I would get up several mornings and get my school aged sister ready, walk her to the end of the alley, wait for my brothers, send them off to school and then head back to the house to take care of my youngest sister.

Mom would still be passed out in her drunken state and someone would have to take care of the baby. This went on for…well most of my life. so when she was pregnant again I knew I’d have that much more responsibility. Don’t get me wrong…I was so excited for the new baby! I held the hope that because she didn’t smoke or drink while she was pregnant that she could just stay sober and we could have a “normal” life.

The hopes I held so tightly to for those 9 months were always shattered and life would just go back to our normal. There was rarely, if ever that I saw either of my parents without a beer in their hands. My dad was the social happy drunk and my mom on the other hand was the polar opposite. Dad liked to have bonfires and hangout laughing, Mom liked to scream and fight.

This was life. This is how we lived. This life is what killed my dad those 7 years ago, this life is why I have my mom blocked from any form of contact. I love my parents! So damn much! But I couldn’t change who they were. I’ve always had guilt and questioned if I’d done enough or what more I could have done. That answer is still hard to live with. That answer is Nothing. Nothing… I was a kid, that was their choice.

So to the reason I’m writing this blog in the first place…I am a mom. I am a daughter. I called my sister this morning (my siblings are my best friends) and she was busy at the moment so we were going to talk later. So as I drove home from dropping my kids at school I thought “who Could I call and chat with” I know! I should call dad! Instant water works!

The point is guys… is that sometimes you just need to hear their voice. You just want to hear them tell you that they’re proud of you. You want them to tell you that they love you. No matter how messed up they raised you, no matter how shitty they were at times… You grew up to be a pretty damn OK person.

You buy your groceries with cash, all of your bills are paid, your house isn’t a cloud of cigarette smoke, your kids go to school clean and in proper fitting clothes, they have full bellies and happy hearts, they aren’t embarrassed to invite friends over (COVID hinders the friends over thing currently), They will have gifts under the tree that were purchased by us and not given to us through a program…

None of the things I have listed or said made them bad parents. These things and programs were the light so many times for us growing up! In fact those things they did to make sure we had some kind of food or gift made them good. They did what they had to despite pride for us.

It makes my heart so happy to know that for the last several years I have been able to give to those programs, to shop for children and get them something or things that they have on their short modest lists. To give to the food bank… These things warm my heart more than I could ever explain to anyone. Not all of us have what I now do. Keep going, keep praying, keep your chin off that ground and know that you CAN.

My children know that they can come to me for anything, with anything and no matter what. My children are young but they need to know this now so it sticks for the future. They don’t see me with a drink in my hand, they have never seen me drunk. I cook, I clean, I take them to school, I take them to gymnastics and as a parent I try my hardest never to argue with their dad in front of them.

I am far from perfect! Their fathers aren’t perfect (I birthed one and have bonus twinsies), Their mother and step mother aren’t perfect. Thats OK and they know that it is ok not to be perfect (they have a good idea what perfect is because I tell them I am!) 

We all bicker, we have our bad days. We hug, we apologize, and we carry on. That is what I am here for! I am here to guide them and to teach them what love and life are. I will mess up ( I do daily! Don’t tell them that) but I will hug and say sorry for what I did and we will learn and grow together. I really just wish I could ask for help now and then, to hear a reassuring word on the other end of the phone…. Mommies need Mommies too!

I would like to thank my parents for all they tried to do. I thank them for showing me a life I have steered clear of. I have made my own way! I can live this life and do these things because I worked my ass off. My husband is now the provider and I get to be the mommy! 

The Trees are up…

Let’s chit chat about Christmas. “Because I’m the mom and I said so, that’s why!” Did you panic for a moment?! “Oh crap what did I do?!”

TREES… yep, I said trees. As in multiple. Well 2 to be exact. I have anxiety/depression that is accompanied by a strong OCD about certain things. A clean beautiful tree void of the haphazard decor made by children is one of those things!
Do some of you have this image of how big my house must be to fit two Christmas trees in it? “POP”! Sorry to burst your very flattering image bubble. 

We rent a 1,344 square foot home… I’m just a master at tetras! Ask my husband! I buy something and his reaction (always).. “where are you going to find room for that!?” Always.. I just smile and reply “you’ll see” or “idk but I’ll find space”. Guess what! I do! Every stinking time!

I’m one of those moms that loves that I can decorate however I want because I’m now an adult parent and I have THE say… I’m also the parent that wishes I had the patients and no cares to give about it and could just let them run all the crafty-willy-nillys they wanted and it wouldn’t send me through the roof! I’m not in fact “that” mom. (My sister however is…for the most part)
The mother that I am grew up in clutter with tapestries, a deer head that wore more necklaces than any deer I’d ever met (not that I’ve met any), clutter and that one festive and full of love tree.
Said tree was a tipping point in my young adult life. I am the eldest child of six. Every year each of us made some tacky glittery gap toothed picture ornament or some crazy popsicle stick creation that was meant to be a snowflake. Like most mothers, mine put up the tree and let us hang years of puff-balled overly glittered art all over (or clustered in one area so no one else’s touched ours) this tree.

I can not do that! I have tried, I’ve looked upon the art of my children and thought about it… nope. Can’t. I love what they make don’t get me wrong! Each piece is crafted with little germ filled fingers and love. They make them for me or for dad… whoever they see first.
Oh Christmas… how I… love? Loathe? Enjoy? Cringe? Hmmm how does this joyous holiday hold so many mixed emotions?!

Music… I do not like Christmas music. There! I said it! How? Why? What kind of person?! I’m sure you have questions… my only answer is Retail. I worked retail for years, I listened to countless hours of Christmas music. It doesn’t matter who sings jingle bell rock the song is the damn same! It has the same amount of jingle bell ringing and rocking… they start it in November guys! Come on! 

My husband on the other hand… sure perks up for Christmas tunes. I just think there is a time and place for it. We turn it on to decorate the trees and we will have it on on Christmas eve/day. I’m fine with that. It’s my candy corn. One and done! See it, saw it, over it… the décor on the other hand… up day after Thanksgiving down at new years. 

Let’s talk lights! Turn them off peeps! Fine! You have them strung on your trees, house and garage… how festive of you! That’s what we do. Let’s do it. But why… why do you keep/turn them on in March? Hmm?

I have no clue why this drives me up the wall but it does. Must be another one of those OCD things. I understand not wanting to get up and down the ladder twice in two months to put them up and take them down but there really is no reason to light your Christmas town up in the middle of spring/summer.

Man that got me all sorts of riled up! Sorry about that! on a lighter note… my house is so festive and cozy right now! I could live in flannel pjs on the couch! I like it so much I could listen to Christmas music! ♥️ So now what? I guess I’ll just keep on decorating the house…I have Christmas shopping almost done, some gifts wrapped, and I’m already thinking about what I can buy on clearance to add to my tree next year!

I hope all of you have had an amazing holiday season so far. I know it’s still 2020 but let do us. Let’s love and laugh and cry and sing to our own hearts content. Breath in new calm and love for life!

Merry Monday! XOXO

The Momma

Survive or Thrive: Thanksgiving 2020

It has come and gone… another pandemic holiday in the sketchy books!
I prepped food for three days, I had a menu I was so happy with (thank you Pinterest!), I ran out of room in my refrigerator and had to shove aside some stuff in the “beer fridge” out in the garage to put the turkey in and a few other items. GO ME!
We have an awesome blended family that I can honestly say I’m proud to be a part of. For the kids its the best case worst case deal. Their parents may not be together but we all get along and even hang out.
Back to Thanksgiving! I wasn’t able to have all the family here that I would have wanted. I couldn’t hold my new-ish chubby twin nieces, I couldn’t hug some of my very best friends (my siblings), we couldn’t gather and laugh until we hurt…But we had a really damn good Givings!
My unofficial “Canadian step-son” came (my husband has contact with him frequently for work) and my daughters dad and step-mom came! We ate, we drank, and we were merry. Us ladies shared the kitchen and the men shared the living room and TV. They later played poker and us ladies played on our phones and shared stupid videos and all laughed…Together.
How much more could I have asked for?
My children played and laughed, they took turns helping me in the kitchen with a dish (OCD was highly tested), they were able to play and laugh because of the sacrifices that all of us have made to make that happen. Looking back none of those “sacrifices” were that at all but just odd adjustments.
None of us are perfect and some days FAR from it. We make Holidays work because its better to be happy and content rather than annoyed and bitter! We actually don’t stop or limit that to holidays. We genuinely have a good relationship. DAILY! My step twins’ mom and their step dad are a huge part of our lives as well. (more on that later as its a crazy full length story all its own) We have things in common but the main one is our Children. The main, most important, living reason to bring happiness into our parental relationship.
Lord keep us together, keep my children happy and healthy, keep us as parents on the same playing field. And Lord…Thank you! Thank you for all of these blessings, my life wasn’t always worth writing about, I didn’t always have a reason to smile, friendships and relationships that are so meaningful, and this much love. Thank you!
I am sincerely Thankful and Blessed beyond what I could have ever imagined. As a child that had to take two one-dollar paper food stamps for lunch in junior high to being able to purchase (with cash) and make an entire feast for my family and extended family…I owe so much to my husband…We have overcome a lot and I have come so far in my personal growth.
Thankful and Blessed beyond measure!

Again, I am new at all of this blog stuff so structural criticism is always welcome but…If you wanna talk crap this is not the place!

XOXO

Much love, The Momma!

In This Beginning

 So here we are… these are the first words on my Blog…

Well that was a blast! See you next time.

Just kidding! Lets chat…about what though?

Here we all sit in the year 2020 contemplating what in the actual eff is happening here. We have had to do so many many things that we never thought we would. Like panic about a toilet paper shortage, talk to people through the computer/phone daily, work at home with our families (praise those of you that have had to be home all day for 5,789 miiiiilliooon days with your children and husbands!) and teach our children in home ( I am NOT a teacher for a reason people!!!).

Some day we will look back at this and laugh…? Really?! Who in the hell thinks any of this is funny? I’ll tell you who isn’t complaining… my dog! he’s in people heaven and I hate it! Don’t get me wrong I love my dog and I also love my family but there is a limit people!

I have worked full time for most of my working life. I worked upwards of 60+ hours a week before I was able to become a stay at home mom. I will tell you right now that I work Waaaay more now then I did as the store manager of a retail store! Holy shit it got real!

I had this honeymoon image of becoming a stay at home… the honeymoon did not last! I now had to make three meals a day, do ALL of the house work, a lot of the yard work, pet care, child care, school stuff, help my husband with his job (we own our construction business and I run the saw Bi*ches! )… How in the entire world did I quit a job and get a thousand times busier?! I chose this and my family is better off with me home!

Now, if I didn’t happen to already be a stay at home…Who/how would my kids have been taken care of through this pandemic? You don’t sell skinny jeans to tweens from home in your pajamas. Thank goodness I’m already where I am today! To those of you Moms/Dads out there making this scary stupid time in your life work! Eff yes! Good for you and your kids!

I started this not having a damn clue what I was going to say… more than I thought I guess! I have so many things to talk about so please let me know if you have any thoughts, questions, or comments! I have wanted to start a blog for years but just never did. I’m looking forward to growing with readers and sharing my insight to this crazy life!