This “THING” Has a Name

So many things in our lives seem so minimal and we just pass them up and brush them aside because that’s how life goes, and we are good at it.

We carry on with our day-to-day. We take all the little things in stride. Each and every little thing. They add up though. Regardless of how we react one event. How we feel about one and then another. Those feelings add up. They compound.

One day you just feel like there’s an elephant... not really on your chest, not really in the room but on your heart. It’s a rough feeling to have. It’s annoying really. Frustrating. How could we let the small things go so easily and not realize that they were all compounding into an elephant.

Life. That’s how. We carry on, we get up and do the things. Then all the things are standing right in front of you. Blocking your path to your day-to-day. Where did it all come from? Has it been there the whole time? Had you seen it there and just not wanting to accept that it in fact WAS there…?

I’ve seen it… the elephant. I knew there was something there. Something nagging at the back of my brain and weighing on my heart. I thought I could handle the silly “little” thing. It seemed though that this “little” thing kept bringing uninvited friends. It just got overwhelming. I got mad. I got sad. I had thoughts that seemed to come from nowhere. Thoughts I knew weren’t normal or healthy. Doubts. Fears….

I found myself asking questions I should know the answers too. I found myself questioning people and actions. I found myself holding on to so much doubt and fear it was overwhelming. I wanted to just cry/scream/curl up and sleep until it was over.

I’ve lived most of my life with depression, but this was something different. Something I didn’t know how to handle. I tried to “talk” myself out of it. Tried to reassure myself. I was struggling to do the things of been doing for years. Things that were my “normal”. 

I have been cleaning for a woman for three years. I found myself so lost that I had a hard time remembering what to do next. I was overwhelmed. I didn’t know why. I wanted to just grab my stuff and run crying. No real reason. Just couldn’t calm myself. I made it through but left so sad and confused but also relieved I made it through and was done.

37 Years old. I’ve been an adult for a couple years now…how and why did this hit me now? Anxiety. Its Anxiety. I’ve had friends and family battling this. So, I knew… I should have anyway. I thought it was just a random thing that was going to pass. It has been about a year. I started a medication this last week.

I DO NOT blame covid. Honestly our lives haven’t changed much because of covid.  

I have always sympathized with people that suffer from anxiety. Like I said, I have suffered with depression for much of my life. I want anyone reading this to know that there is ALWAYS someone you can turn to. Always a number to call, a group to join or a shoulder to cry on. If you aren’t feeling supported by the people around you, reach out.

I just googled and came across this one. There are so many out there! I know not all are created equal. If for some reason you reach a help line that is less than helpful just know there are more out there!  Its hard but you are loved and wanted in this world!

·       National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI): 1-800-950-NAMI (6264). If you are in a crisis or looking for mental health information, you can call NAMI’s helpline for free support. NAMI has programs designed specifically for those who identify as living with a mental health condition, caregivers, veterans, teens, and LGBTQ.

Though I battle with Depression and Anxiety I have been lucky enough to not have suicidal thoughts or thoughts of harming mysellf. I do have friends who have and still battle those thoughts. Its heart breaking to know they walk this battle daily. They are loved. I am here. I am in your corner!

So much love,

The Momma

What the Funk?

It has just been one of those weeks. Its only Tuesday but the last couple days have just been gloomy. Maybe that’s my problem…Doubt it. It was sunny the couple days prior. I even got a stinkin sunburn weeding my garden. Why am I so…so…Idk I just cant find energy or motivation.

Like always, I have a list of things I want and need to get done. I’ve upped my coffee intake to two cups rather than just the one, I’ve tried to be productive with my crafting, I’m forcing myself to clean things, turn on music…

JUST CAN’T. I can’t sleep or am sleeping like crap. My sleep doctor has given me a schedule…can’t seem to follow that for the life of me the last week. Haven’t worked out, I’ve eaten like crap… I have zero will power. The Heck?!

Maybe its the fact that my summer calendar looks so busy already? Could be the random snow today? Could be a number of things I suppose. What ever it is I need to it to go away. I need to be me. I need to get my lists done. I need to enjoy the things and the stuff!

I am crabby. I am irritable. I am annoyed. I am tired. I am unmotivated.

STOP! Scratch all of that! I am happy. I am patient. I am energized. I am motivated!!! Self…Get your ass into the flow of good and happy things!

Lets all just get motivated, be happy and be who we want!

Love and hugs,

The momma of those black hearts.

FML

I just typed out a good 8 paragraphs… then my husband popped in and asked me for help with something. I helped, checked the chickens and then made a sandwich. Forgot about my blog momentarily then realized the screen was just white…no draft, no edit screen just white. The website wasn’t even loaded. Why?! What?!

The blog I had started went something like this…

Be nice. It’s not hard or over complicated. It doesn’t require a degree or a certain level of knowledge/education. For shit sakes kids do it, babies do it! we aren’t born jerks we acquire that over the years of bull that taint our perception of life.

Thinking negative thoughts? Push that thought out and think of at least three positive ones. See a good deed that could be done? Do it. Give a compliment. These things aren’t hard we have just trained our brains. We have trained them to look past things, see negativity, think “someone else will do that” and criticism over compliment.

I am not perfect. (Don’t tell my husband or children…they Know otherwise 😉)I get frustrated, annoyed, negative and pissy sometimes. I have been in a funk all weekend. I’m tired, I’m bored, I feel sad and lazy… But (isn’t there always a but?) I am trying. I filled bird feeders, cleaned up the house, took care of my chickens, bathed the dog, brushed the cat, played with my Cricut Maker… I have been really trying to find the happy.

It can be a struggle to do. To find the positive in the negative. Example: I felt good about giving my stinky dog a bath. Then…I dried him off, let him out of the bathroom, cleaned up all the hair (so so much hair) and then exited the bathroom…

For the LOVE! He had shook as dogs do. He split open the cut he had on his ear that I’d forgotten all about. Blood. Everywhere. Large drips all over the carpet, slung and sprayed all over the walls and he had decided to roll on the carpet…he was covered in blood, my house was covered in blood and folks this is no small dog. I have a Great Dane. A 150lb man sized dog.

So I bandaged his ear, crawled around and cleaned the floors and the walls. I was struggling! I wanted to cry. But I made it, I lived and I somehow didn’t scream, yell, battle, beat or even cry. Dog was alive, I wasn’t in a heap crying on the floor and the sun was still shining.

The main idea going into this blog was happy. Find it, share it and encourage it. Hold the door for someone, smile with your eyes (we can’t see actual smiles with masks), compliment someone, pay for a strangers coffee, give a family member an extra hug…

The things that can completely change a persons day aren’t always large acts but the small. In times when life sucks be the thing that turns the shitty day dial down a notch. If you have an extra ounce of encouragement give it. Some days we are the ones that need that. Look for it!

Make eye contact, see the silver lining, be happy that someone else has found something to smile about. Breath in fresh air. Spring is coming! Give yourself that extra 60 seconds to turn your face to the sun. soak it in and smile because you can.

Be nice. We don’t have to run around being rays of sunshine and bubbling over with rainbow happiness. We make the choice to bring people down. Just as we can make the choice to lift people up. Smiles and silence can do wonders!

Not happy? Pissed at the world? That’s ok. We are human and allowed to feel all the feelings. Don’t want to feel that way? That’s your choice. Don’t know how to shake the funk? Me neither somedays. I don’t have to spread my crappy day. I choose to smile with my eyes. I choose to call out “Bless You” to someone a few isles away that sneezed. I choose to let someone ‘cut’ me in line. I choose to let someone into my lane. I choose to think happy.

I don’t have all the answers or even most of them. I am learning everyday how to choose me. How to utilize ‘mind over matter’. Learning how to take time for me. How to be happy with things when I’m mad at others. My children don’t deserve a mother who got upset with something and now is upset with the world.

Our world is all sorts of topsy turvy right now. I am so tired of all that is in the news. So I’m choosing to turn it off. Not because I want to be uninformed but because I have chose Happy. I have chose to look out my windows and see the garden I plan to plant, the birds making their way to the feeders I filled. I am choosing happy for me and for my family.

This blog turned into a muddle of a few things but I hope it can bring someone back from a dark spot. I know I feel a little better having wrote it.

As always…

Thank you,

The Momma of those black hearts