This “THING” Has a Name

So many things in our lives seem so minimal and we just pass them up and brush them aside because that’s how life goes, and we are good at it.

We carry on with our day-to-day. We take all the little things in stride. Each and every little thing. They add up though. Regardless of how we react one event. How we feel about one and then another. Those feelings add up. They compound.

One day you just feel like there’s an elephant... not really on your chest, not really in the room but on your heart. It’s a rough feeling to have. It’s annoying really. Frustrating. How could we let the small things go so easily and not realize that they were all compounding into an elephant.

Life. That’s how. We carry on, we get up and do the things. Then all the things are standing right in front of you. Blocking your path to your day-to-day. Where did it all come from? Has it been there the whole time? Had you seen it there and just not wanting to accept that it in fact WAS there…?

I’ve seen it… the elephant. I knew there was something there. Something nagging at the back of my brain and weighing on my heart. I thought I could handle the silly “little” thing. It seemed though that this “little” thing kept bringing uninvited friends. It just got overwhelming. I got mad. I got sad. I had thoughts that seemed to come from nowhere. Thoughts I knew weren’t normal or healthy. Doubts. Fears….

I found myself asking questions I should know the answers too. I found myself questioning people and actions. I found myself holding on to so much doubt and fear it was overwhelming. I wanted to just cry/scream/curl up and sleep until it was over.

I’ve lived most of my life with depression, but this was something different. Something I didn’t know how to handle. I tried to “talk” myself out of it. Tried to reassure myself. I was struggling to do the things of been doing for years. Things that were my “normal”. 

I have been cleaning for a woman for three years. I found myself so lost that I had a hard time remembering what to do next. I was overwhelmed. I didn’t know why. I wanted to just grab my stuff and run crying. No real reason. Just couldn’t calm myself. I made it through but left so sad and confused but also relieved I made it through and was done.

37 Years old. I’ve been an adult for a couple years now…how and why did this hit me now? Anxiety. Its Anxiety. I’ve had friends and family battling this. So, I knew… I should have anyway. I thought it was just a random thing that was going to pass. It has been about a year. I started a medication this last week.

I DO NOT blame covid. Honestly our lives haven’t changed much because of covid.  

I have always sympathized with people that suffer from anxiety. Like I said, I have suffered with depression for much of my life. I want anyone reading this to know that there is ALWAYS someone you can turn to. Always a number to call, a group to join or a shoulder to cry on. If you aren’t feeling supported by the people around you, reach out.

I just googled and came across this one. There are so many out there! I know not all are created equal. If for some reason you reach a help line that is less than helpful just know there are more out there!  Its hard but you are loved and wanted in this world!

·       National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI): 1-800-950-NAMI (6264). If you are in a crisis or looking for mental health information, you can call NAMI’s helpline for free support. NAMI has programs designed specifically for those who identify as living with a mental health condition, caregivers, veterans, teens, and LGBTQ.

Though I battle with Depression and Anxiety I have been lucky enough to not have suicidal thoughts or thoughts of harming mysellf. I do have friends who have and still battle those thoughts. Its heart breaking to know they walk this battle daily. They are loved. I am here. I am in your corner!

So much love,

The Momma

Working On Me For Us

So this blog was prompeted by a book. This book; it’s called Limitless by Jim Kwik. It talks about retraining your brain and unlocking your potential.  This is something I really need to do. I’ve always been one to tell myself I can’t or won’t.  Negative self-talk has always been something I’ve done. This self-talk may not have been something I consciously decided I was going to do, but it is something that I’ve been doing for a very long time.

I am continually reminding myself to think positive, to turn those negative thoughts into positive ones… If I think a bad or negative thought, I try to change that thought by thinking of three positive ones or repeating the same good/positive thought several times over.

For example, I struggle feeling like I’m wanted or needed sometimes, like the things I do aren’t good enough, like even though I get things done and try to stay busy or productive I just didn’t get enough done, like it wasn’t what I should have done, like I could have or should have done more…

My husband works his ass off so that I can be a stay-at-home-mom. Before I met him, I worked 60-70 hour work weeks, I managed a store, I was independent and took care of my daughter, owned my not so great car, paid all my bills, bought what I wanted… So going from all of that to an instant mom of three kids the same age and staying home without my “own” income was hard. It’s still hard.

I appreciate all that he does to provide for this family! I am so thankful for everything that we have! I have a nice vehicle, he has a nice truck, we have an old truck, we just brought home an old wagon for me (not running yet), nice house, we have a full pantry and fridge, dog, cat, chickens…we have all that we need plus some!

Some days I struggle. I struggle because I miss the husband I live with. He works so much more than he is home. I get lonely and bored so I acquired several random hobbies…This blog, selling Usbourne books, baby sitting goats, cleaning Air BnBs…It feels good to be doing stuff outside the house, to contribute (I really don’t need to because we are very well provided for)…

I want to go places and do things! I want to explore the amazing area we live in. I want to have friends, go to events, take an adventure… I have my health issues and he has his but I’m tired of staying home because if I go do something its not fair to him. I don’t want to made to feel guilty or like I did something wrong for making time to do things out side the house.

In part the reason I’m working is to help put money away… maybe he would feel like he didn’t have to take on one more little job to fill in time/money…I want us to be as important as work, I want us to be a priority. I know he feels that we are and that is why he works so hard. Time can’t be bought or returned. Once it is gone its gone.

I love my husband and my children very much! I have my own struggles and worries that I am fighting with trying to flip into positives. Communication is hard. It’s hard when its lacking, it’s hard when its there. Staying positive around people that aren’t is difficult. Talking to people that are worn out and not really interested in what your saying is defeating. Trying to be the person someone needs when they can’t express what it is that they need is hard.

  I have a very hard time trying to put my wants and needs into words. Two people that can’t or don’t make for a very frustrating and lonely relationship for both.  Expectations aren’t met because they aren’t known. The longer we let the unsaid go unsaid, the worse things get, the sadder I get, the more distant and madder he gets.

I’ve started seeing a counselor, trying to get better more restful sleep by journaling before bed, tracking my sleep patterns, having the same bedtime nightly and using a guided meditation app, stretching, working out more and trying not to eat as shitty…that parts the hardest! All these things that I’m trying are not just for me, they are for us.  If I can be a happier heathier me, we can be a happier heathier US. At least I hope that it will help.

I just want to laugh and play and joke and flirt with my husband. I want to enjoy my family and my life a little more. I want to be his break from the world. I want his brain to turn off of work at least one full weekend a month. Not just one a year.

Here’s to finding the happy inside me so I can better help him find his. So we can be happy together!

Much love,

The Momma

Momma Tips

So I follow a mothers group on FB and I see so many questions.  How to get my child to brush their teeth, what to do about a rash, breast feeding and so many more things.   The answers throw me off sometimes and some of the questions make me wonder if they should even have children. Who am I to judge though?! 

I’m far from a perfect mom. I also have questions and worries. I want my kiddos to grow up happy and healthy. I want them to have good strong foundations to stand on and hold them into their futures.  No one has all of the answers because every child is different. 

So really what I do with my kiddos could be something that would never work with yours. That works both ways. Momming Is hard. It usually leaves me with more questions some days than I have answers. Not only are all three of my kids are very different from one another… Once I think I’m figuring out what that child needs, how they take direction or how their emotion  play into things…BAM! They switch it up.

Some days you just feel as a parent that you just can’t seem to keep up. That life is moving faster than you are.  It is OK! I’m still learning that even if I seem to struggle, they still love me. I still did all that I could do THAT day. I need to remember that even when I struggle I’m still going. Tomorrow is a new day. The next moment is a new moment.

As a blended family we are challenged with the knowledge that not everything at our house is like everything at the other parents. We cannot control what happens there. Thankfully we have pretty good communication with the other parents but it really comes down to “this is our home and that is theirs”.

So on to some of the things I have found that work in our home:

No matter the fact that our routine is exactly the same morning and night…they seem to “forget” parts religiously! Never fails!

Brushing their teeth: When my daughter was little and still learning to brush I would use her gummy vitamins as a “reward” for brushing her teeth. Now its a whole new battle with brushing but I got them a little timer, help them, remind them “top, bottoms, front, back and always your tongue”.

When they seem tired or moody:  Quiet time is helpful.  Reading, a nap, individual play time or something they can do away from their siblings.

Cleaning up after themselves: For the longest time when they were asked to get their messes cleaned up I always found there was a LOT left out. I found that reminding them that anything they got out they would have to put away.  If they were all playing together and made a huge mess I would help clean up (I mostly did this when they were little).  I had to make a rule for the toys that got left out…If you come tell mom that your room is all clean and I go check…Anything left out was a gift to mom.  Once I started getting a hand full of leogs or favorite cars they became more efficient! Toy jail is rather effective as well.  They now dump the entire bucket of legos out on a blanket to make for easier clean up.   

Part of the cleaning thing is that if they are playing one thing then move onto another; they need to clean up the first “game”.  I may seem a little extreme but we don’t have a play room. Our house is not huge. The girls share a room and our son has his own (he shares with our Great Dane).  It goes for playing outside as well as in. If you have toys out all over the yard then before you come in you  have to get them cleaned up.

The kids don’t really have a lot of chores. (I’m to OCD to let them do most things) They do help take care of the chickens when they are home, clean up dog poop, help unload the dishwasher, sweep, clean the table, dust, put away their own laundry…

Now a days kids get more screen time than they did…at our house the kids don’t have tablets, they don’t play video games and they don’t have unlimited access to tv.   We do have movie nights or let them watch an episode or two but that’s pretty much it.  They are on computers a ton at school and do more of that outside our home, so we just choose to let them be creative and use imagination.

Im sure there are other things I do that I can later add to this but for now this is all my brain will allow.

Have an amazing day!

Love,

 The Momma