Working On Me For Us
So this blog was prompeted by a book. This book; it’s called Limitless by Jim Kwik. It talks about retraining your brain and unlocking your potential. This is something I really need to do. I’ve always been one to tell myself I can’t or won’t. Negative self-talk has always been something I’ve done. This self-talk may not have been something I consciously decided I was going to do, but it is something that I’ve been doing for a very long time.
I am continually reminding myself to think positive, to turn those negative thoughts into positive ones… If I think a bad or negative thought, I try to change that thought by thinking of three positive ones or repeating the same good/positive thought several times over.
For example, I struggle feeling like I’m wanted or needed sometimes, like the things I do aren’t good enough, like even though I get things done and try to stay busy or productive I just didn’t get enough done, like it wasn’t what I should have done, like I could have or should have done more…
My husband works his ass off so that I can be a stay-at-home-mom. Before I met him, I worked 60-70 hour work weeks, I managed a store, I was independent and took care of my daughter, owned my not so great car, paid all my bills, bought what I wanted… So going from all of that to an instant mom of three kids the same age and staying home without my “own” income was hard. It’s still hard.
I appreciate all that he does to provide for this family! I am so thankful for everything that we have! I have a nice vehicle, he has a nice truck, we have an old truck, we just brought home an old wagon for me (not running yet), nice house, we have a full pantry and fridge, dog, cat, chickens…we have all that we need plus some!
Some days I struggle. I struggle because I miss the husband I live with. He works so much more than he is home. I get lonely and bored so I acquired several random hobbies…This blog, selling Usbourne books, baby sitting goats, cleaning Air BnBs…It feels good to be doing stuff outside the house, to contribute (I really don’t need to because we are very well provided for)…
I want to go places and do things! I want to explore the amazing area we live in. I want to have friends, go to events, take an adventure… I have my health issues and he has his but I’m tired of staying home because if I go do something its not fair to him. I don’t want to made to feel guilty or like I did something wrong for making time to do things out side the house.
In part the reason I’m working is to help put money away… maybe he would feel like he didn’t have to take on one more little job to fill in time/money…I want us to be as important as work, I want us to be a priority. I know he feels that we are and that is why he works so hard. Time can’t be bought or returned. Once it is gone its gone.
I love my husband and my children very much! I have my own struggles and worries that I am fighting with trying to flip into positives. Communication is hard. It’s hard when its lacking, it’s hard when its there. Staying positive around people that aren’t is difficult. Talking to people that are worn out and not really interested in what your saying is defeating. Trying to be the person someone needs when they can’t express what it is that they need is hard.
I have a very hard time trying to put my wants and needs into words. Two people that can’t or don’t make for a very frustrating and lonely relationship for both. Expectations aren’t met because they aren’t known. The longer we let the unsaid go unsaid, the worse things get, the sadder I get, the more distant and madder he gets.
I’ve started seeing a counselor, trying to get better more restful sleep by journaling before bed, tracking my sleep patterns, having the same bedtime nightly and using a guided meditation app, stretching, working out more and trying not to eat as shitty…that parts the hardest! All these things that I’m trying are not just for me, they are for us. If I can be a happier heathier me, we can be a happier heathier US. At least I hope that it will help.
I just want to laugh and play and joke and flirt with my husband. I want to enjoy my family and my life a little more. I want to be his break from the world. I want his brain to turn off of work at least one full weekend a month. Not just one a year.
Here’s to finding the happy inside me so I can better help him find his. So we can be happy together!
Much love,
The Momma