Working On Me For Us

So this blog was prompeted by a book. This book; it’s called Limitless by Jim Kwik. It talks about retraining your brain and unlocking your potential.  This is something I really need to do. I’ve always been one to tell myself I can’t or won’t.  Negative self-talk has always been something I’ve done. This self-talk may not have been something I consciously decided I was going to do, but it is something that I’ve been doing for a very long time.

I am continually reminding myself to think positive, to turn those negative thoughts into positive ones… If I think a bad or negative thought, I try to change that thought by thinking of three positive ones or repeating the same good/positive thought several times over.

For example, I struggle feeling like I’m wanted or needed sometimes, like the things I do aren’t good enough, like even though I get things done and try to stay busy or productive I just didn’t get enough done, like it wasn’t what I should have done, like I could have or should have done more…

My husband works his ass off so that I can be a stay-at-home-mom. Before I met him, I worked 60-70 hour work weeks, I managed a store, I was independent and took care of my daughter, owned my not so great car, paid all my bills, bought what I wanted… So going from all of that to an instant mom of three kids the same age and staying home without my “own” income was hard. It’s still hard.

I appreciate all that he does to provide for this family! I am so thankful for everything that we have! I have a nice vehicle, he has a nice truck, we have an old truck, we just brought home an old wagon for me (not running yet), nice house, we have a full pantry and fridge, dog, cat, chickens…we have all that we need plus some!

Some days I struggle. I struggle because I miss the husband I live with. He works so much more than he is home. I get lonely and bored so I acquired several random hobbies…This blog, selling Usbourne books, baby sitting goats, cleaning Air BnBs…It feels good to be doing stuff outside the house, to contribute (I really don’t need to because we are very well provided for)…

I want to go places and do things! I want to explore the amazing area we live in. I want to have friends, go to events, take an adventure… I have my health issues and he has his but I’m tired of staying home because if I go do something its not fair to him. I don’t want to made to feel guilty or like I did something wrong for making time to do things out side the house.

In part the reason I’m working is to help put money away… maybe he would feel like he didn’t have to take on one more little job to fill in time/money…I want us to be as important as work, I want us to be a priority. I know he feels that we are and that is why he works so hard. Time can’t be bought or returned. Once it is gone its gone.

I love my husband and my children very much! I have my own struggles and worries that I am fighting with trying to flip into positives. Communication is hard. It’s hard when its lacking, it’s hard when its there. Staying positive around people that aren’t is difficult. Talking to people that are worn out and not really interested in what your saying is defeating. Trying to be the person someone needs when they can’t express what it is that they need is hard.

  I have a very hard time trying to put my wants and needs into words. Two people that can’t or don’t make for a very frustrating and lonely relationship for both.  Expectations aren’t met because they aren’t known. The longer we let the unsaid go unsaid, the worse things get, the sadder I get, the more distant and madder he gets.

I’ve started seeing a counselor, trying to get better more restful sleep by journaling before bed, tracking my sleep patterns, having the same bedtime nightly and using a guided meditation app, stretching, working out more and trying not to eat as shitty…that parts the hardest! All these things that I’m trying are not just for me, they are for us.  If I can be a happier heathier me, we can be a happier heathier US. At least I hope that it will help.

I just want to laugh and play and joke and flirt with my husband. I want to enjoy my family and my life a little more. I want to be his break from the world. I want his brain to turn off of work at least one full weekend a month. Not just one a year.

Here’s to finding the happy inside me so I can better help him find his. So we can be happy together!

Much love,

The Momma

FML

I just typed out a good 8 paragraphs… then my husband popped in and asked me for help with something. I helped, checked the chickens and then made a sandwich. Forgot about my blog momentarily then realized the screen was just white…no draft, no edit screen just white. The website wasn’t even loaded. Why?! What?!

The blog I had started went something like this…

Be nice. It’s not hard or over complicated. It doesn’t require a degree or a certain level of knowledge/education. For shit sakes kids do it, babies do it! we aren’t born jerks we acquire that over the years of bull that taint our perception of life.

Thinking negative thoughts? Push that thought out and think of at least three positive ones. See a good deed that could be done? Do it. Give a compliment. These things aren’t hard we have just trained our brains. We have trained them to look past things, see negativity, think “someone else will do that” and criticism over compliment.

I am not perfect. (Don’t tell my husband or children…they Know otherwise 😉)I get frustrated, annoyed, negative and pissy sometimes. I have been in a funk all weekend. I’m tired, I’m bored, I feel sad and lazy… But (isn’t there always a but?) I am trying. I filled bird feeders, cleaned up the house, took care of my chickens, bathed the dog, brushed the cat, played with my Cricut Maker… I have been really trying to find the happy.

It can be a struggle to do. To find the positive in the negative. Example: I felt good about giving my stinky dog a bath. Then…I dried him off, let him out of the bathroom, cleaned up all the hair (so so much hair) and then exited the bathroom…

For the LOVE! He had shook as dogs do. He split open the cut he had on his ear that I’d forgotten all about. Blood. Everywhere. Large drips all over the carpet, slung and sprayed all over the walls and he had decided to roll on the carpet…he was covered in blood, my house was covered in blood and folks this is no small dog. I have a Great Dane. A 150lb man sized dog.

So I bandaged his ear, crawled around and cleaned the floors and the walls. I was struggling! I wanted to cry. But I made it, I lived and I somehow didn’t scream, yell, battle, beat or even cry. Dog was alive, I wasn’t in a heap crying on the floor and the sun was still shining.

The main idea going into this blog was happy. Find it, share it and encourage it. Hold the door for someone, smile with your eyes (we can’t see actual smiles with masks), compliment someone, pay for a strangers coffee, give a family member an extra hug…

The things that can completely change a persons day aren’t always large acts but the small. In times when life sucks be the thing that turns the shitty day dial down a notch. If you have an extra ounce of encouragement give it. Some days we are the ones that need that. Look for it!

Make eye contact, see the silver lining, be happy that someone else has found something to smile about. Breath in fresh air. Spring is coming! Give yourself that extra 60 seconds to turn your face to the sun. soak it in and smile because you can.

Be nice. We don’t have to run around being rays of sunshine and bubbling over with rainbow happiness. We make the choice to bring people down. Just as we can make the choice to lift people up. Smiles and silence can do wonders!

Not happy? Pissed at the world? That’s ok. We are human and allowed to feel all the feelings. Don’t want to feel that way? That’s your choice. Don’t know how to shake the funk? Me neither somedays. I don’t have to spread my crappy day. I choose to smile with my eyes. I choose to call out “Bless You” to someone a few isles away that sneezed. I choose to let someone ‘cut’ me in line. I choose to let someone into my lane. I choose to think happy.

I don’t have all the answers or even most of them. I am learning everyday how to choose me. How to utilize ‘mind over matter’. Learning how to take time for me. How to be happy with things when I’m mad at others. My children don’t deserve a mother who got upset with something and now is upset with the world.

Our world is all sorts of topsy turvy right now. I am so tired of all that is in the news. So I’m choosing to turn it off. Not because I want to be uninformed but because I have chose Happy. I have chose to look out my windows and see the garden I plan to plant, the birds making their way to the feeders I filled. I am choosing happy for me and for my family.

This blog turned into a muddle of a few things but I hope it can bring someone back from a dark spot. I know I feel a little better having wrote it.

As always…

Thank you,

The Momma of those black hearts