This “THING” Has a Name

So many things in our lives seem so minimal and we just pass them up and brush them aside because that’s how life goes, and we are good at it.

We carry on with our day-to-day. We take all the little things in stride. Each and every little thing. They add up though. Regardless of how we react one event. How we feel about one and then another. Those feelings add up. They compound.

One day you just feel like there’s an elephant... not really on your chest, not really in the room but on your heart. It’s a rough feeling to have. It’s annoying really. Frustrating. How could we let the small things go so easily and not realize that they were all compounding into an elephant.

Life. That’s how. We carry on, we get up and do the things. Then all the things are standing right in front of you. Blocking your path to your day-to-day. Where did it all come from? Has it been there the whole time? Had you seen it there and just not wanting to accept that it in fact WAS there…?

I’ve seen it… the elephant. I knew there was something there. Something nagging at the back of my brain and weighing on my heart. I thought I could handle the silly “little” thing. It seemed though that this “little” thing kept bringing uninvited friends. It just got overwhelming. I got mad. I got sad. I had thoughts that seemed to come from nowhere. Thoughts I knew weren’t normal or healthy. Doubts. Fears….

I found myself asking questions I should know the answers too. I found myself questioning people and actions. I found myself holding on to so much doubt and fear it was overwhelming. I wanted to just cry/scream/curl up and sleep until it was over.

I’ve lived most of my life with depression, but this was something different. Something I didn’t know how to handle. I tried to “talk” myself out of it. Tried to reassure myself. I was struggling to do the things of been doing for years. Things that were my “normal”. 

I have been cleaning for a woman for three years. I found myself so lost that I had a hard time remembering what to do next. I was overwhelmed. I didn’t know why. I wanted to just grab my stuff and run crying. No real reason. Just couldn’t calm myself. I made it through but left so sad and confused but also relieved I made it through and was done.

37 Years old. I’ve been an adult for a couple years now…how and why did this hit me now? Anxiety. Its Anxiety. I’ve had friends and family battling this. So, I knew… I should have anyway. I thought it was just a random thing that was going to pass. It has been about a year. I started a medication this last week.

I DO NOT blame covid. Honestly our lives haven’t changed much because of covid.  

I have always sympathized with people that suffer from anxiety. Like I said, I have suffered with depression for much of my life. I want anyone reading this to know that there is ALWAYS someone you can turn to. Always a number to call, a group to join or a shoulder to cry on. If you aren’t feeling supported by the people around you, reach out.

I just googled and came across this one. There are so many out there! I know not all are created equal. If for some reason you reach a help line that is less than helpful just know there are more out there!  Its hard but you are loved and wanted in this world!

·       National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI): 1-800-950-NAMI (6264). If you are in a crisis or looking for mental health information, you can call NAMI’s helpline for free support. NAMI has programs designed specifically for those who identify as living with a mental health condition, caregivers, veterans, teens, and LGBTQ.

Though I battle with Depression and Anxiety I have been lucky enough to not have suicidal thoughts or thoughts of harming mysellf. I do have friends who have and still battle those thoughts. Its heart breaking to know they walk this battle daily. They are loved. I am here. I am in your corner!

So much love,

The Momma

Momma Tips

So I follow a mothers group on FB and I see so many questions.  How to get my child to brush their teeth, what to do about a rash, breast feeding and so many more things.   The answers throw me off sometimes and some of the questions make me wonder if they should even have children. Who am I to judge though?! 

I’m far from a perfect mom. I also have questions and worries. I want my kiddos to grow up happy and healthy. I want them to have good strong foundations to stand on and hold them into their futures.  No one has all of the answers because every child is different. 

So really what I do with my kiddos could be something that would never work with yours. That works both ways. Momming Is hard. It usually leaves me with more questions some days than I have answers. Not only are all three of my kids are very different from one another… Once I think I’m figuring out what that child needs, how they take direction or how their emotion  play into things…BAM! They switch it up.

Some days you just feel as a parent that you just can’t seem to keep up. That life is moving faster than you are.  It is OK! I’m still learning that even if I seem to struggle, they still love me. I still did all that I could do THAT day. I need to remember that even when I struggle I’m still going. Tomorrow is a new day. The next moment is a new moment.

As a blended family we are challenged with the knowledge that not everything at our house is like everything at the other parents. We cannot control what happens there. Thankfully we have pretty good communication with the other parents but it really comes down to “this is our home and that is theirs”.

So on to some of the things I have found that work in our home:

No matter the fact that our routine is exactly the same morning and night…they seem to “forget” parts religiously! Never fails!

Brushing their teeth: When my daughter was little and still learning to brush I would use her gummy vitamins as a “reward” for brushing her teeth. Now its a whole new battle with brushing but I got them a little timer, help them, remind them “top, bottoms, front, back and always your tongue”.

When they seem tired or moody:  Quiet time is helpful.  Reading, a nap, individual play time or something they can do away from their siblings.

Cleaning up after themselves: For the longest time when they were asked to get their messes cleaned up I always found there was a LOT left out. I found that reminding them that anything they got out they would have to put away.  If they were all playing together and made a huge mess I would help clean up (I mostly did this when they were little).  I had to make a rule for the toys that got left out…If you come tell mom that your room is all clean and I go check…Anything left out was a gift to mom.  Once I started getting a hand full of leogs or favorite cars they became more efficient! Toy jail is rather effective as well.  They now dump the entire bucket of legos out on a blanket to make for easier clean up.   

Part of the cleaning thing is that if they are playing one thing then move onto another; they need to clean up the first “game”.  I may seem a little extreme but we don’t have a play room. Our house is not huge. The girls share a room and our son has his own (he shares with our Great Dane).  It goes for playing outside as well as in. If you have toys out all over the yard then before you come in you  have to get them cleaned up.

The kids don’t really have a lot of chores. (I’m to OCD to let them do most things) They do help take care of the chickens when they are home, clean up dog poop, help unload the dishwasher, sweep, clean the table, dust, put away their own laundry…

Now a days kids get more screen time than they did…at our house the kids don’t have tablets, they don’t play video games and they don’t have unlimited access to tv.   We do have movie nights or let them watch an episode or two but that’s pretty much it.  They are on computers a ton at school and do more of that outside our home, so we just choose to let them be creative and use imagination.

Im sure there are other things I do that I can later add to this but for now this is all my brain will allow.

Have an amazing day!

Love,

 The Momma

I Did This To Myself

When all my issues started it was shortly after I became a stay at homme mom. I quit my job about June, got married in September and it all hit in those 3 ish months.

 A body in motion stays in motion…I found out that that is very true. I went from working 60 plus hours a week before moving from one town to the next. I then worked my forty hours plus had not only one kiddo but now three. So I was busy to say the least. Two were in school and one was still home. 

The same year we got married and the last kiddo started school. BAM! Not working, all kiddos out of the house a good chunk of the day…pain caught up to me.  For the last few years its been the same. Ive been staying active enough but still feel just worn out and at the same time lazy.

I started watching an older couples goats and chickens while they are out of town. I also clean a woman’s home once a month. Now….Ive started cleaning Air BnB’s which is a couple times a month for about 4 hours.  Then guess what I did?!  Yup another thing….I became a consultant for Usborne Books and More.  

I don’t have it out for myself! I do have goals for our family that would be nice to meet, I want to be active again and I feel like if I just commit to stuff that keeps me busy I’ll fall back onto the body in motion thing.  Does any of that make sense? I hope so.

I’m really trying. I don’t want to be that mom/wife that’s… well… Me. I want to be happy, active,  more attentive and just be a better me!

Love and Prayers,

The Momma, the cleaner, the goat sitter, the book lover and seller.

Usborne Books & More. Shop (myubam.com)

In case you wanted to check out some amazing books! XOXO

Update On My Issues

There are so many many issues…But the one I speak of now is my sleep and fibro combo.  My doctor has given me a list of things to start doing.  For starters: keeping a sleep journal, no technology (blue light) past 9PM, no chores of any kind past 9PM either, reading or writing is good,  in bed and head on pillow at 10PM, She wants me to have at least 8.5 hours of sleep, awake at 7AM, coffee first thing in the morning, a walk or some sort of activity in the morning as well, make a To Do list…Also I cant read in bed which is my normal! She said “bed is for sleep and sex and that’s it!”

              The most recent big thing is seeing a physical therapist.   We are going to be working on my pain management and strengthening my shoulders. ( I have had weakness in them since my fibro started)  He said my balance and strength look really good. Currently I do what I should be as far as heating and stretching but I’m just not consistent with it. I also don’t pace myself well. I will just keep going once I get started and work myself until I have to stop. Either physically, to take care of kids, it gets dark…

              So for the next who knows how long, I will be seeing Joe twice a week for an hour. I need to be doing a stretch routine at least twice a day, using my heating pad/hot baths daily, continue taking ibuprofen and not over doing it…I’m a slow learner when it comes to having to pace.

The days I feel pretty good and have energy are the days I over do it. I tend to push to get things done even knowing I’m already in pain and because of that, I know I will be down for at least the next day.  If I can just push through now, I can feel better about being down the next day because I got what I had started done.

He sort of mentioned that I need to learn to pace…I sort of listened. That day I may have paced a little but still made sure I got stuff done. I didn’t start another project so that’s good. I didn’t push to get that whole area of the yard done. I just cleaned up the part I had already started and called it good. Also…I knew it was going to rain today so I knew I would be “forced” to not do more yard work 😊

My list of things I want and need to do continues to get longer…But I’m going enlist some help instead of doing it all myself. Hard for me to do but… I need to get and stay feeling good so I can keep doing the things I love. I have found myself being a bit of a recluse. That is not who I am.

I am fun and talkative. I am social and adventurous.  I am lots of things that I have been missing. I’m on a mission to find the me I want to be!

Love,

The Momma

What the Funk?

It has just been one of those weeks. Its only Tuesday but the last couple days have just been gloomy. Maybe that’s my problem…Doubt it. It was sunny the couple days prior. I even got a stinkin sunburn weeding my garden. Why am I so…so…Idk I just cant find energy or motivation.

Like always, I have a list of things I want and need to get done. I’ve upped my coffee intake to two cups rather than just the one, I’ve tried to be productive with my crafting, I’m forcing myself to clean things, turn on music…

JUST CAN’T. I can’t sleep or am sleeping like crap. My sleep doctor has given me a schedule…can’t seem to follow that for the life of me the last week. Haven’t worked out, I’ve eaten like crap… I have zero will power. The Heck?!

Maybe its the fact that my summer calendar looks so busy already? Could be the random snow today? Could be a number of things I suppose. What ever it is I need to it to go away. I need to be me. I need to get my lists done. I need to enjoy the things and the stuff!

I am crabby. I am irritable. I am annoyed. I am tired. I am unmotivated.

STOP! Scratch all of that! I am happy. I am patient. I am energized. I am motivated!!! Self…Get your ass into the flow of good and happy things!

Lets all just get motivated, be happy and be who we want!

Love and hugs,

The momma of those black hearts.

FML

I just typed out a good 8 paragraphs… then my husband popped in and asked me for help with something. I helped, checked the chickens and then made a sandwich. Forgot about my blog momentarily then realized the screen was just white…no draft, no edit screen just white. The website wasn’t even loaded. Why?! What?!

The blog I had started went something like this…

Be nice. It’s not hard or over complicated. It doesn’t require a degree or a certain level of knowledge/education. For shit sakes kids do it, babies do it! we aren’t born jerks we acquire that over the years of bull that taint our perception of life.

Thinking negative thoughts? Push that thought out and think of at least three positive ones. See a good deed that could be done? Do it. Give a compliment. These things aren’t hard we have just trained our brains. We have trained them to look past things, see negativity, think “someone else will do that” and criticism over compliment.

I am not perfect. (Don’t tell my husband or children…they Know otherwise 😉)I get frustrated, annoyed, negative and pissy sometimes. I have been in a funk all weekend. I’m tired, I’m bored, I feel sad and lazy… But (isn’t there always a but?) I am trying. I filled bird feeders, cleaned up the house, took care of my chickens, bathed the dog, brushed the cat, played with my Cricut Maker… I have been really trying to find the happy.

It can be a struggle to do. To find the positive in the negative. Example: I felt good about giving my stinky dog a bath. Then…I dried him off, let him out of the bathroom, cleaned up all the hair (so so much hair) and then exited the bathroom…

For the LOVE! He had shook as dogs do. He split open the cut he had on his ear that I’d forgotten all about. Blood. Everywhere. Large drips all over the carpet, slung and sprayed all over the walls and he had decided to roll on the carpet…he was covered in blood, my house was covered in blood and folks this is no small dog. I have a Great Dane. A 150lb man sized dog.

So I bandaged his ear, crawled around and cleaned the floors and the walls. I was struggling! I wanted to cry. But I made it, I lived and I somehow didn’t scream, yell, battle, beat or even cry. Dog was alive, I wasn’t in a heap crying on the floor and the sun was still shining.

The main idea going into this blog was happy. Find it, share it and encourage it. Hold the door for someone, smile with your eyes (we can’t see actual smiles with masks), compliment someone, pay for a strangers coffee, give a family member an extra hug…

The things that can completely change a persons day aren’t always large acts but the small. In times when life sucks be the thing that turns the shitty day dial down a notch. If you have an extra ounce of encouragement give it. Some days we are the ones that need that. Look for it!

Make eye contact, see the silver lining, be happy that someone else has found something to smile about. Breath in fresh air. Spring is coming! Give yourself that extra 60 seconds to turn your face to the sun. soak it in and smile because you can.

Be nice. We don’t have to run around being rays of sunshine and bubbling over with rainbow happiness. We make the choice to bring people down. Just as we can make the choice to lift people up. Smiles and silence can do wonders!

Not happy? Pissed at the world? That’s ok. We are human and allowed to feel all the feelings. Don’t want to feel that way? That’s your choice. Don’t know how to shake the funk? Me neither somedays. I don’t have to spread my crappy day. I choose to smile with my eyes. I choose to call out “Bless You” to someone a few isles away that sneezed. I choose to let someone ‘cut’ me in line. I choose to let someone into my lane. I choose to think happy.

I don’t have all the answers or even most of them. I am learning everyday how to choose me. How to utilize ‘mind over matter’. Learning how to take time for me. How to be happy with things when I’m mad at others. My children don’t deserve a mother who got upset with something and now is upset with the world.

Our world is all sorts of topsy turvy right now. I am so tired of all that is in the news. So I’m choosing to turn it off. Not because I want to be uninformed but because I have chose Happy. I have chose to look out my windows and see the garden I plan to plant, the birds making their way to the feeders I filled. I am choosing happy for me and for my family.

This blog turned into a muddle of a few things but I hope it can bring someone back from a dark spot. I know I feel a little better having wrote it.

As always…

Thank you,

The Momma of those black hearts

My Stress, Cold Sores and How I Rid Them

So as a lot of people with cold sores have noticed, stress will trigger cold sores. Not only stress but too much sun on your lips, chapped lips… I’m sure there are a great many reasons they pop up. Those are just the main ones for me.

I’ve had cold sores as long as I can remember. I can recall having them as far back as elementary school. I have been plagued by the embarrassment far longer than anyone cares to. I have used all kinds of lip ointments, chap sticks, gels… Guess where that has gotten me?! I now get cold sores in my nose… what on earth?!

Nothing is worse than that telltale initial tingle. You know the one… That three days before you have some event one. The one that starts to taunt you just before picture day. The little thing laughing at you before your big date, prom, license picture, meeting his/her parents…

That little feeling can cause a real rise in the ol’ anxiety! I have found myself hiding away when I should have been somewhere enjoying myself. I could have been making the next big step in my life… nope. canceled plans, broke dates, miserable because of a little blemish that I found horrific!

When you’re in school, no matter the grade kids are mean. They don’t understand, they don’t care, and they most certainly don’t wanna kiss you. Who would? I didn’t like looking in the mirror when I had a cold sore. Heck I was shy and self conscious without the cold sore.

Thanks life! Throw me a freaking bone once in awhile! I hated feeling like I was gross. Feeling like people were staring at me. Feeling like I’m cursed. Why and how is it that we are so hard on ourselves? That something so stupid as a cold sore can knock us down into such a stupid hole?

Little more back story… I’ve suffered with depression my entire life. Recently my depression has made a new friend named anxiety. (I don’t think they should hang out together…) And yet another friend…Fibromyalgia. (again…not impressed with this) Oh and their pal Idiopathic hypersomnia…(friend quota full!)

All those above things contribute to my stress. All of those things add up and make me more prone to those nasty cold sores because of said stress and pals. Forward to current…I have started taking Acyclovir for my cold sores. Handy to have for sure. Before I was able to get a prescription for them I started something different.

I made a conscience effort to literally will them away. As crazy and impossible as that sounds, I did. The moment I started feeling that tingle I did a few things.

1. I made a mental note of it.

2. I took a few breaths and tried to relax.

3. When I was conscious of my breathing and feeling more relaxed I would think about how I needed to be calm, how I needed to be in the now and try to push away my stress.

These first few moments I would pep talk myself into taking back my stress or pushing it away rather. I’d remind myself that whatever it is that is causing my stress isn’t worth the ten days of a cold sore. Deep Breath! In the end whatever it is WILL work it self out.

I would repeat this several times throughout the day. Some how it worked. The majority of the time it wouldn’t pop up. It helped keep them at bay or drastically reduce the size and duration they lasted.

I’m not saying the stuff out there doesn’t work. What I am saying is that mind over matter can be huge. I have been trying this with a lot of things in my life. This last week has been super stressful. I stressed myself into THREE, yes three cold sores at once!

OOOOH and I almost forgot that I not only get the tingle I get canker sores on my tongue before a cold sore as well! That’s new the last several years… Either way, I knew I had one coming (or three). So I’ve been breathing and willing them away. Thankfully it has worked for the most part. I had minimal blistering and now minimal scabbing because of. YAAAY I call that a win!

If stress is a huge cause of yours it’s hard to just push that away. Everyone deals with pain/stress differently. I know there are many factors that cause stress and I can’t fix those. Just know I have come through and from a lot of stress and crap that I’m learning to overcome.

Ta Ta for now!

Love and Prayers,

The Momma of those black hearts.

Everyone Dreams a Little Different.

I’ve really been wanting to make a dream board. I have a board on Pinterest but it isn’t the same as seeing those things each day in your face.  However, I’m faced with a little bit of an obstacle. My husband. Not really in a bad way but he just doesn’t have the same thoughts and feelings as I do when it comes to setting goals.

I’m a write it down type of person. He’s a “its in my head so it’s the same thing” type of person. I like to be able to look at it, see my progress or lack of and find a solution. He says he’s a realist and I say he’s negative….tomato/tamato! 

We have talked about what most people probably talk about…a little piece of land to build our dream home on.  Welp… this last year has put a real damper on him seeing the possibility of that still happening someday.  Hundreds of people have moved to our area and forced the prices skyward. Him being said “realist” has got a bur up his bum and cant see how that dream could still be in our future.

My thoughts on this are that if we think we can’t then no…we can’t. Oh but if we believe we can then we CAN! Maybe our goals have been pushed from a three year to a five year. Maybe we down size our 3 acre dream to 1.  That makes our goal more reasonable for the time being.  So for now I’ll keep my chin up and my goals alive.

Some of the things I have on my currently non-existent dream board are a bathtub I can fully submerge in, a garden, a small library…all of which can be compact. I’ve always wanted a library! A small reading nook or window seat to sit and read ❤ *Swoon* It’s the little things really.  Like an actual laundry room with a folding area…stainless steel appliances…or even better matte black! I for whatever reason really don’t care for white appliances…just a thing.

There are a lot of things that I have on my list. Traveling is on there for sure. Some of the things I have on there are just fluff stuff really. I don’t need them but I want them. There is absolutely nothing wrong with having things on your list that are just icing. Its good to want the little things. Its you telling yourself you are worth those things. YOU deserve them. They can be yours. Hell they are yours, you just have to get to them.

Everyone dreams differently. Cars, homes, land, animals, toys of all sorts….whatever your dream, keep dreaming it. See it in your future. Feel it, know it, love it and embrace it. Speed bumps don’t have to be brick walls! Sometimes life throws a curve into our trail…neato! Now we have a little bit of new scenery. Roll with it. Go with it. Enjoy it and know that the end result will be the same. It will end with you meeting that goal, reaching that star and getting to that dream.

Our story didn’t start out all splendid and lovely. We had the same goals…but the steps to get there have periodically changed. Those changes have resulted in a large move, not knowing if the move was going to set us back financially (we didn’t want to be back in the hole), a whole new business plan (scary), paying off a good chunk of our debts, buying my current car with cash…not all of those things were on the top of our happy list.  Lots of other things have taken us on a curvy ride.

Here we are, still living and dreaming and working as a team to get there. Our dream may take longer than others. Others may get what we have been wishing for before we do. Those others may have rushed their dream and in the mean time cut corners to get there. That may bite them in the proverbial ass later on. On the other hand the obstacles that have set us back may be the things that are actually setting us up to win. 

Struggles suck. They set you back. They piss you off and dwindle that gleam of hope.  Screw those obstacles! Fight for what you know you want and deserve! Ignore others negativity. Kill it with kindness and perseverance! Do you and make that dream a reality.

I cant sit here typing this pretending I’ve met every obstacle with grace… I have cried, fought and screamed.  I wish I wasn’t this human. I have been angry, sad, mad, overwhelmed and down right negative. Though I have acted that way and wanted so very much to give up on so many things that seem trivial now…I have come through on top. I am here. I am happy. I am on my way to my dreams. I am doing this hand in hand with the man I have chose to spend my life with. The man I have chose as a partner. Together we can do anything!

We haven’t been hand in hand on all of this. we stood distant from one another and fought on different sides for the same things. we have come a long way. A very bumpy, pitted, frustrating way. It has been quite the journey. Here we are. We have some how shouted ourselves into understanding better, listening better and in the end fighting better.

We still argue but we do it knowing we need to hear not just listen. That we both likely want the same result. We are in fact two different people and there is an age gap. We slow down and explain. We slow down and see it how they do. Not always but usually. If we can’t then we still try to have some understanding.

At the end of the day we are partners with the same dreams and goals. This is OUR life. We have chose to dream and reach together.

As always, thank you for reading my little tidbit. Love, Prayers and happy thoughts.

Love,

The Momma of those Black Hearts