This “THING” Has a Name

So many things in our lives seem so minimal and we just pass them up and brush them aside because that’s how life goes, and we are good at it.

We carry on with our day-to-day. We take all the little things in stride. Each and every little thing. They add up though. Regardless of how we react one event. How we feel about one and then another. Those feelings add up. They compound.

One day you just feel like there’s an elephant... not really on your chest, not really in the room but on your heart. It’s a rough feeling to have. It’s annoying really. Frustrating. How could we let the small things go so easily and not realize that they were all compounding into an elephant.

Life. That’s how. We carry on, we get up and do the things. Then all the things are standing right in front of you. Blocking your path to your day-to-day. Where did it all come from? Has it been there the whole time? Had you seen it there and just not wanting to accept that it in fact WAS there…?

I’ve seen it… the elephant. I knew there was something there. Something nagging at the back of my brain and weighing on my heart. I thought I could handle the silly “little” thing. It seemed though that this “little” thing kept bringing uninvited friends. It just got overwhelming. I got mad. I got sad. I had thoughts that seemed to come from nowhere. Thoughts I knew weren’t normal or healthy. Doubts. Fears….

I found myself asking questions I should know the answers too. I found myself questioning people and actions. I found myself holding on to so much doubt and fear it was overwhelming. I wanted to just cry/scream/curl up and sleep until it was over.

I’ve lived most of my life with depression, but this was something different. Something I didn’t know how to handle. I tried to “talk” myself out of it. Tried to reassure myself. I was struggling to do the things of been doing for years. Things that were my “normal”. 

I have been cleaning for a woman for three years. I found myself so lost that I had a hard time remembering what to do next. I was overwhelmed. I didn’t know why. I wanted to just grab my stuff and run crying. No real reason. Just couldn’t calm myself. I made it through but left so sad and confused but also relieved I made it through and was done.

37 Years old. I’ve been an adult for a couple years now…how and why did this hit me now? Anxiety. Its Anxiety. I’ve had friends and family battling this. So, I knew… I should have anyway. I thought it was just a random thing that was going to pass. It has been about a year. I started a medication this last week.

I DO NOT blame covid. Honestly our lives haven’t changed much because of covid.  

I have always sympathized with people that suffer from anxiety. Like I said, I have suffered with depression for much of my life. I want anyone reading this to know that there is ALWAYS someone you can turn to. Always a number to call, a group to join or a shoulder to cry on. If you aren’t feeling supported by the people around you, reach out.

I just googled and came across this one. There are so many out there! I know not all are created equal. If for some reason you reach a help line that is less than helpful just know there are more out there!  Its hard but you are loved and wanted in this world!

·       National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI): 1-800-950-NAMI (6264). If you are in a crisis or looking for mental health information, you can call NAMI’s helpline for free support. NAMI has programs designed specifically for those who identify as living with a mental health condition, caregivers, veterans, teens, and LGBTQ.

Though I battle with Depression and Anxiety I have been lucky enough to not have suicidal thoughts or thoughts of harming mysellf. I do have friends who have and still battle those thoughts. Its heart breaking to know they walk this battle daily. They are loved. I am here. I am in your corner!

So much love,

The Momma

Update On My Issues

There are so many many issues…But the one I speak of now is my sleep and fibro combo.  My doctor has given me a list of things to start doing.  For starters: keeping a sleep journal, no technology (blue light) past 9PM, no chores of any kind past 9PM either, reading or writing is good,  in bed and head on pillow at 10PM, She wants me to have at least 8.5 hours of sleep, awake at 7AM, coffee first thing in the morning, a walk or some sort of activity in the morning as well, make a To Do list…Also I cant read in bed which is my normal! She said “bed is for sleep and sex and that’s it!”

              The most recent big thing is seeing a physical therapist.   We are going to be working on my pain management and strengthening my shoulders. ( I have had weakness in them since my fibro started)  He said my balance and strength look really good. Currently I do what I should be as far as heating and stretching but I’m just not consistent with it. I also don’t pace myself well. I will just keep going once I get started and work myself until I have to stop. Either physically, to take care of kids, it gets dark…

              So for the next who knows how long, I will be seeing Joe twice a week for an hour. I need to be doing a stretch routine at least twice a day, using my heating pad/hot baths daily, continue taking ibuprofen and not over doing it…I’m a slow learner when it comes to having to pace.

The days I feel pretty good and have energy are the days I over do it. I tend to push to get things done even knowing I’m already in pain and because of that, I know I will be down for at least the next day.  If I can just push through now, I can feel better about being down the next day because I got what I had started done.

He sort of mentioned that I need to learn to pace…I sort of listened. That day I may have paced a little but still made sure I got stuff done. I didn’t start another project so that’s good. I didn’t push to get that whole area of the yard done. I just cleaned up the part I had already started and called it good. Also…I knew it was going to rain today so I knew I would be “forced” to not do more yard work 😊

My list of things I want and need to do continues to get longer…But I’m going enlist some help instead of doing it all myself. Hard for me to do but… I need to get and stay feeling good so I can keep doing the things I love. I have found myself being a bit of a recluse. That is not who I am.

I am fun and talkative. I am social and adventurous.  I am lots of things that I have been missing. I’m on a mission to find the me I want to be!

Love,

The Momma