This “THING” Has a Name

So many things in our lives seem so minimal and we just pass them up and brush them aside because that’s how life goes, and we are good at it.

We carry on with our day-to-day. We take all the little things in stride. Each and every little thing. They add up though. Regardless of how we react one event. How we feel about one and then another. Those feelings add up. They compound.

One day you just feel like there’s an elephant... not really on your chest, not really in the room but on your heart. It’s a rough feeling to have. It’s annoying really. Frustrating. How could we let the small things go so easily and not realize that they were all compounding into an elephant.

Life. That’s how. We carry on, we get up and do the things. Then all the things are standing right in front of you. Blocking your path to your day-to-day. Where did it all come from? Has it been there the whole time? Had you seen it there and just not wanting to accept that it in fact WAS there…?

I’ve seen it… the elephant. I knew there was something there. Something nagging at the back of my brain and weighing on my heart. I thought I could handle the silly “little” thing. It seemed though that this “little” thing kept bringing uninvited friends. It just got overwhelming. I got mad. I got sad. I had thoughts that seemed to come from nowhere. Thoughts I knew weren’t normal or healthy. Doubts. Fears….

I found myself asking questions I should know the answers too. I found myself questioning people and actions. I found myself holding on to so much doubt and fear it was overwhelming. I wanted to just cry/scream/curl up and sleep until it was over.

I’ve lived most of my life with depression, but this was something different. Something I didn’t know how to handle. I tried to “talk” myself out of it. Tried to reassure myself. I was struggling to do the things of been doing for years. Things that were my “normal”. 

I have been cleaning for a woman for three years. I found myself so lost that I had a hard time remembering what to do next. I was overwhelmed. I didn’t know why. I wanted to just grab my stuff and run crying. No real reason. Just couldn’t calm myself. I made it through but left so sad and confused but also relieved I made it through and was done.

37 Years old. I’ve been an adult for a couple years now…how and why did this hit me now? Anxiety. Its Anxiety. I’ve had friends and family battling this. So, I knew… I should have anyway. I thought it was just a random thing that was going to pass. It has been about a year. I started a medication this last week.

I DO NOT blame covid. Honestly our lives haven’t changed much because of covid.  

I have always sympathized with people that suffer from anxiety. Like I said, I have suffered with depression for much of my life. I want anyone reading this to know that there is ALWAYS someone you can turn to. Always a number to call, a group to join or a shoulder to cry on. If you aren’t feeling supported by the people around you, reach out.

I just googled and came across this one. There are so many out there! I know not all are created equal. If for some reason you reach a help line that is less than helpful just know there are more out there!  Its hard but you are loved and wanted in this world!

·       National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI): 1-800-950-NAMI (6264). If you are in a crisis or looking for mental health information, you can call NAMI’s helpline for free support. NAMI has programs designed specifically for those who identify as living with a mental health condition, caregivers, veterans, teens, and LGBTQ.

Though I battle with Depression and Anxiety I have been lucky enough to not have suicidal thoughts or thoughts of harming mysellf. I do have friends who have and still battle those thoughts. Its heart breaking to know they walk this battle daily. They are loved. I am here. I am in your corner!

So much love,

The Momma